


Reminiscence

by baeconandeggs, dohkyan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: BAE2017, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 09:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dohkyan/pseuds/dohkyan
Summary: Baekhyun loses his memory en route to home, where Chanyeol tries to help.





	Reminiscence

**Author's Note:**

> Author: dokyan  
> Prompt#: 616  
> Title: reminiscence  
> Word Count: 28.3 k  
> Side Pairing(s): slight Kyungsoo/Jongin  
> Rating: PG-15  
> Warning(s): —  
> Disclaimer: The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Author's Note: Dear prompter, I'm sorry I couldn't help but turn a simple and light prompt into this shamble. I hope it's an enjoyable reading still.  
> All my love to the mods, to C and A, but especially to N, who helped me to shape this fic, I would have been lost without you <3.

He wakes up.  
  
Everything around him gleams with vibrant colors, a sharp buzz and insistent white noise in the background. He has to close his eyes, holding onto his seat to breathe properly. It takes him some seconds, but when the dizzy feeling decreases, he realizes he is in a train. All the vivid hues are gone, leaving him inside an almost empty white wagon with bluish details here and there. The mundane rumbling sound of the train fills his ears.  
  
His mouth is dry, his eyes are tired and his body feels heavy. His clothes ―a gray sweater with diamond patterns and a turtleneck, with fancy jet black pants― reveal the slim but fit figure of a man. The only exposed skin are his thin hands, along with a black ring with a silver band on his right one.  
  
His only belongings, he assumes, are the portfolio and a small bag on the seat next to him, apart from the wallet and phone he finds in his pockets. The front camera of the device uncovers pale skin, with auburn hair and dark but brightful eyes, slightly big ears with prominent cheeks, soft peach lips and a button nose.  
  
Leastwise, his apparent features are definitely familiar.  
  
At last, he pays attention to his surroundings, trying to grasp any scrap of information he can. The essentials are: _who is he? why is he there? where is he heading to?_  
  
The view from the windows reveals a city ―with big wide buildings, some green areas and busy streets― whose name lingers at the tip of his tongue.  
  
“Excuse me. Where are we going?” he asks the old lady seated in front of him.  
  
Kindly, she overlooks the peculiar question and smiles. “To Seoul, darling.”  
  
_Seoul, right_. Seoul is his home, or at least that’s what settles his mind. It helps, bringing some fragments of his identity back ―he is Byun Baekhyun, a 27 years old man en route to home on a Saturday afternoon.  
  
The train stops, its whistle accompanied by the station announcement filling the wagon.  
  
There is no time to wonder about where else to go, except out in the station. With a hold of his presumably belongings, he follows the tracks of the old lady until she takes a cab, leaving him alone. Lost.  
  
After some seconds of debating, he decides the best, safest option is to try and get to the doctor before doing anything else. It’s getting difficult to ignore his unsteady heartbeat or sweaty palms, but he tries to be serene while reaching for the wallet in his back pocket.  
  
“Baekhyun.”  
  
Suddenly, he is trapped between large arms, circling him from behind. Startled, his first reaction is to break the embrace and the larger figure seems to comply, letting him go pretty easily. Baekhyun holds a scream for help, still unable to speak with his own mushy honey voice comfortably.  
  
The stranger is a man ―tall, with raven hair, equally dark, deep and big eyes, big ears, big mouth, big hands, big everything in his body. Even with his size, above Baekhyun’s by various centimeters, he doesn’t intimidate the latter.  
  
The scent coming from him is vanilla with strawberries, somehow comforting and pretty familiar.  
  
“Baekhyun,” he repeats with a deep voice hanging between affable and homespun. “I’m deeply, genuinely sorry for fucking up before you were about to leave. I know we already talked about it and you said everything was fine, but I just want to make sure everything is on the table.” He talks fast, perhaps a bit too loud due his apparent excitement. Baekhyun has the feeling the man won’t stop blabbering until he says something, but he has no idea how to start.  
  
“I was so happy when you said you were coming back earlier and I thought we could go out. I made a reservation at that restaurant you love and even got that table you want. I know, I know, I should have saved that one for the week before the wedding but it’s alright. I found a better place for that. It’s _this_ huge,” he says while stretching his arms as much as he can. “I swear it has the best food in Seoul, at least from what I've tasted. I was thinking maybe, when Kyungsoo comes back, we could―”  
  
“Wait.” Baekhyun raises a hand to stop the man who does so without closing his mouth, frozen in place. It would make the former smile, if he wasn’t worried about his own sanity. “Who are you?”  
  
The question comes out soft and barely audible, almost as if Baekhyun was scared to ask; when in reality, he is desperate for more information about him, but in a slower and tidier way.  
  
The man looks slightly confused and tilts his head to a side.  
  
“Is this some kind of inside Japanese joke or...? I don’t get it.”  
  
Baekhyun gulps and, for a second, considers turning around and run, except for the sympathetic feeling the man carries with him that actually makes him not move at all.  
  
“I don’t remember,” he states calm and slow, dismissing that everything coming next sounds kind of ridiculous. “I barely remember my name, but I don’t remember where I live, I don’t remember what I do, I don’t remember who you are, I don’t remember who I am. I _don’t_ remember.”  
  
The man looks at him with deep thought. He doesn’t seem able to react until he places a gentle hand on Baekhyun’s forehead ―warm, contrasting with the cold breeze surrounding them that makes him shiver, goosebumps raising from the back of his neck.  
  
Involuntary, he backs away from the touch.  
  
“You have a low grade fever. We should go to the hospital right now.”  
  
The drive towards the hospital is silent, with a tingling nervousness in the air from Baekhyun due to getting into the car of a stranger. The man seems to know him and emanates pretty welcoming feelings, but Baekhyun’s cautious instinct is hard to appease when he doesn’t even remember the name of the other. His eyes, glued to the window instead of roaming around the car, seem to be the best way to soothe his nerves.  
  
The man keeps stealing glances at him every now and then and doesn’t stop even on the way to the doctor’s office. From his chatty self few minutes ago, he now looks impassive.  
  
“Good.” That’s the first thing the doctor says after a fast check-up. His name is Junmyeon and it looks like he has been Baekhyun’s doctor for a long time. Still, his name doesn’t have the same imprint as Chanyeol’s ―as the doctor has called the other man.  
  
“What is happening, Junmyeon?” said man asks concerned, with a slight trail of doubt Baekhyun opts to ignore.  
  
“He has no contusions, no signs of trauma and he is clean of drugs and alcohol as far as I can see. The tests are already on their way, just in case, but you would be surprised to know this is the third similar case I have encountered. I’m almost sure the cause is the same, an immense amount of stress. Do you know something about it? He told me he was going to Japan the last time I saw him.”  
  
“He was going to present a portfolio in Japan.” Baekhyun has no idea of what they are talking about, but he listens carefully. “That is stressful by itself, but he has done it before and he told me this time it wouldn’t be different.”  
  
“Not every time you drive in your lane, you are absolved for crashing.” Junmyeon shrugs calmly before placing a reassuring hand on their shoulders. “Don’t worry too much, it will be fine, but the information of his past has to be given bit by bit. Anyway, I will call a therapist for the next week and, just for safety, we will run further tests on Tuesday. How about that?”  
  
The doctor’s smile is kind compared to the concern he sees in the man’s eyes.  
  
“It’s going to be fine. Just take him home,” the doctor says to Chanyeol.  
  
_Home_. You can’t call home a place you don’t even remember its color, but it seems there is no better option that going _there_ , wherever that is. His frustration and confusion have no place for arguments or silence in the car once again. Instead, he wants answers of untold, disorganized questions and he fixes his gaze on Chanyeol.  
  
The latter notices and when his eyes lock with Baekhyun, he and his worries visibly soften. The contact barely lasts two seconds, before he returns his gaze to the road.  
  
“My name is Park Chanyeol,” he finally says after a moment of uncomfortable silence. “I am 26 years old and I’m a veterinarian. I have lived here in Seoul for the same time as you.”  
  
“What about me?” Baekhyun asks, anxious for a grip of his reality. “Who am I?”  
  
“You are an artist, a painter, a really good one actually. You were in Japan for three weeks to show a portfolio for this big project you wanted to keep secret from everyone. Hm… let’s see, you are 27, we live together, we have a dog, his name is Toben and… forget about that.”  
  
Chanyeol stops and doesn’t say a word in the next minute, palpable regret piling up behind him.  
  
“What is our relationship?” Baekhyun asks, almost knowing what kind of answer is coming next.  
  
There is a small, slightly incredulous, chuckle escaping from the other before answering.  
  
“You are my fiance.”  
  
Baekhyun finally spots the black ring on Chanyeol’s left hand, the same model as his. That’s why the man looks at him deeply concerned, so full of feelings ―feelings he can’t see himself returning for now. Although, the realization fills him with sympathy and a trace of care for the man.  
  
In the end, it seems fair for Baekhyun to trust this man, because he wants to and has to.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Waking up with a faint vanilla scent around him is certainly refreshing. The smell is so soothing that he could lie there for hours.  
  
Despite the comfort, he gets up, finding himself in a white room, sitting in a king size bed alone. He must have fallen asleep in the car on the way ‘ _home_ ’ from the hospital.  
  
There is no trace of Chanyeol’s presence and even his clothes from yesterday are untouched.  
  
With the hope of bringing back some memories, he starts to wander around the room and the abounding belongings in it. He goes through the closet, the small decorations and figurines around, the empty blackboard and even the books on the shelfs. He finds himself smiling, realizing it might not be a boring or plain household.  
  
There is also a guitar lying in the corner of the room and some music sheets next to it that make him hum a nameless melody.  
  
Everything feels familiar but unrecognizable and even the smallest object in that room makes him feel at the edge of remembering something that never lands properly. It’s an awful feeling, if he thinks deeply about it.  
  
“Good morning.” Baekhyun flinches almost dropping the scores when he hears Chanyeol’s deep voice at the door. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. How are you feeling? Better?”  
  
Baekhyun nods placing everything back in place. “I was trying to remember something while looking around.”  
  
“Junmyeon said that would be helpful. Did it work?”  
  
Baekhyun shakes his head a bit defeated. Perhaps, he could talk to Chanyeol about it ―about how he feels, about all the things going through his mind and how everything feels distant.  
  
Chanyeol might understand and they could even get to a solution if he gives him a chance.  
  
“I feel… like in a constant deja vu. I don’t remember anything, but, as soon as I see something, I feel like I have seen it before. It feels familiar, but I can’t grasp on why.”  
  
But the thoughts are not clear and focusing on it’s not easy. The best Baekhyun can pull out isn’t enough, it’s vague and makes Chanyeol unresponsive.  
  
There is no question, no statement, no opinion as the latter barely scratches his neck, moving to the side to show him the hall.  
  
“I guess you are pretty tired too,” he says instead, looking apologetic. “The shower is right here besides the room, I placed some clean clothes for you there. Breakfast will be ready when you go downstairs.”  
  
Baekhyun swallows his will of talking more about the situation and walks straight to the bathroom. Mornings aren’t the best time to talk about things you barely understand, anyway.  
  
“I better wait for you here, in case you need something,” Chanyeol says grasping the doorknob clumsily before closing the door. “If you need anything, just tell me.”  
  
“Sure, thank you,” he replies softly.  
  
Doubts about Chanyeol being able to give him exactly what he needs ―as in help to fully understand what is happening― surface for a second before dismissing them, because, after all, there is no point in doubting him.  
  
He washes those thoughts with hot water.  
  
When he finally comes out of the bathroom, with clean clothes and drying his hair, he finds Chanyeol sitting on the floor. He is playing with a small dog with black curls, who barks at Baekhyun before lying on his back right in front of his feet.  
  
“This is Toben.” Chanyeol says with a wide smile while standing up. “He probably wants you to scratch his tummy as you always do.”  
  
“Can I pick him up instead?”  
  
“You don’t have to ask.”  
  
Baekhyun nods while picking the small dog up which bites his fingers playfully. It serves as a distraction while coming downstairs with Chanyeol leading the way towards the kitchen. Questions about every small feature around the house will be answered later, Baekhyun can wait.  
  
Or so he thought, before his eyes land on a picture hanging on the hall wall. It’s a photo of them with big smiles on their faces, snowboarding goggles on their foreheads, beanies and coats to protect them from the snow surrounding them. Baekhyun can feel it, the way his shoulders shudder at the cold and the snowflakes landing on his nose; yet he feels like he was truly happy there.  
  
When he is about to ask Chanyeol about it, he stops at the sight of a smile. It has a small trail of sadness but, above all, there is care and feelings that are numb to him. Chanyeol realizes he was staring and clears his throat before stepping into the room.  
  
Baekhyun follows him once again, placing Toben at his side and taking a seat at the small table for two in the middle of the kitchen. Chanyeol places eggs with bacon in front of him; they are a bit burnt and don’t look fancy, or tasty, at all.  
  
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says taking the seat in front of him, placing his own plate on the table and a small bowl for Toben on the floor. “We normally would have ordered food but I didn’t want to leave you here alone.”  
  
“And did I cook?” Baekhyun says trying to sound cheerful. “I feel like I would burn everything.” Chanyeol raises his head and snorts.  
  
“Your cooking is definitely dangerous. There was this time you almost started a fire in Kyungsoo’s kitchen. It was hilarious! Do you…?” he stops midway at Baekhyun’s confused expression. “Right, you don’t remember, it’s alright. Your cooking has improved lately though, and I’m willing to take classes so I can learn. So eat, I want to know how bad it tastes.”  
  
Baekhyun takes a spoonful of the eggs. They don’t taste like a masterpiece and they lack salt, but they aren’t as horrid as he has imagined.  
  
“Eatable,” he says while chewing. Chanyeol smiles and takes a bite of his own dish making a disgusted face right away, comical enough to make Baekhyun chuckle.  
  
“I am so sorry. I promise I will buy you something later.”  
  
“Sounds good.”  
  
With the mood lightened up, Baekhyun feels eager to start asking questions. There are so many things around the house to start with; every room seems packed with objects and memories, even the small kitchen. He decides to start with the photo from before.  
  
“In that photo of us in the snow, where were we?”  
  
“Rusutsu!” Chanyeol answers with excitement. “In Japan, two years ago, when you had to travel there for the first time to deliver a portfolio. We were snowboarding and you fell so many times.” He chuckles and Baekhyun does his best to ignore that insistent mocking grin. “You got so nauseous you puked into my beanie.”  
  
Baekhyun cringes in disgust, even if he doesn’t remember. “Two years ago, eh? Then how long do we know each other?”  
  
“We’ve been friends since highschool, always together, just you, Kyungsoo and me.”  
  
“Who is Kyungsoo?” It’s the third time he hears that name and he doesn’t even find it common.  
  
“He is our friend.” Chanyeol is already scrolling on his phone with fast fingers. “He is currently in Paris because of work and lives with his boyfriend. Here.”  
  
Chanyeol holds his phone up with the picture of the man. Kyungsoo’s features, peculiar big eyes and a heart shaped mouth, do recall something in him. He nods chewing the burnt bacon, the flavor being better by each minute passing.  
  
“He looks familiar.”  
  
That earns a sweet smile from Chanyeol.  
  
“I will tell him to call you later, maybe you will remember something while talking to him. We also can go wherever you want, we could go around the house, or go to the park, you’ve always loved going to the park and sitting on the swing. We can also take Toben with us. And hey, how about we visit Yifan? We can also―“  
  
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun begins with a soft low voice, because even though he is starting to appreciate the effort, it’s still too much to handle at the moment.  
  
“―go to your favorite art gallery and” ... “there is this pizza place also, I will order from there today.” … “Thinking about it, we should go there. There is also this Japanese” ... “food place, I mean you just came back from Japan, but―“  
  
“Chanyeol-ah!” Baekhyun yells with sharper tone raising his voice a bit to make sure he is heard. Chanyeol abruptly shuts up, resembling a deer caught in the headlights.  
  
“We have to go slower.”  
  
“Slower, right. I better write an itinerary for the next weekend.”  
  
Chanyeol is loud, chatty and full of energy; no wonder why they are engaged in the first place. Baekhyun would talk at the speed of light too, if only he could organize his thoughts better.  
  
“Don’t you have some questions?” Chanyeol asks while washing the dishes after breakfast. Baekhyun has been trying to distract himself once again with Toben; at least, he is quiet and he can know everything he needs from him just by scratching below his ears.  
  
“I do, but that would only bring more questions than answers. I don’t want my brain to explode.”  
  
“I don’t think it hurts to ask some, basic ones for example. I could be the one talking, but―“  
  
“Oh God, not again.”  
  
“Rude.” Chanyeol tries to dabble Baekhyun with water and soap but fails miserably. As a revenge, he starts talking once again.  
  
“Toben is three years old. We adopted him from a previous neighbor before we moved here. I will tell you about the moving later, let’s focus on him. He likes to go to the park, sometimes he avoids the veggies in his food and definitely loves to be scratched on his belly, sunny days, and you of course, but who wouldn’t?”  
  
Baekhyun almost chokes at the last question and fails to play it cool. Chanyeol is already turning to see if everything is alright.  
  
“I shouldn’t start with feelings, right?”  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t answer but hears a small apology when Chanyeol turns his attention back to the dishes.  
  
Chanyeol is kind and has been doing nothing but taking care of him. He also gives him a feeling of familiarity, goodness and even safety, but love is more than that.  
  
“When was the date of the wedding?” he asks, because he is willing to be open-minded about it, even if those feelings are still foreign to him.  
  
“In two weeks, but don’t worry, I cancelled it. I also cancelled all your appointments for the following month. Yixing says everything is safe enough for you to rest during this time, whatever that means.” He takes a pause and suddenly snaps turning once again. “Yixing is your manager. I will try to settle a call with him too, although he is pretty busy this week. By the way, I also took some days off to stay here with you.”  
  
Chanyeol probably spent the afternoon doing all that while Baekhyun slept upstairs.  
  
“All done, let’s go.” Chanyeol then walks to the living room ―perhaps the most cramped room in the house. Baekhyun is not sure where to start but, luckily, Chanyeol steps forward guiding him to the piano ―the most prominent object in the room, from which Baekhyun can’t seem to take his eyes off.  
  
It’s caoba, wide but short, and Baekhyun finger’s run smoothly over its sleek surface. The smell of fresh mints still lingers in the air, bringing back memories ―from his childhood, he assumes. Chanyeol sits on the stool made for two and taps the place next to him telling Baekhyun to sit.  
  
“We used to spend so much time playing together,” he says, revealing the keys below the dusty top.  
  
“What changed?”  
  
“Lately, with the work and the wedding and all of that, it was hard to find time to sit down and play. Usually, both of us come back late and tired and we prefer to go to sleep. Your trips are also something.”  
  
The first note comes echoing around the room, bringing goosebumps around Baekhyun’s ears. “I don’t think you have forgotten the music at all.” Chanyeol plays the simple order of ‘ _do_ ’ to ‘ _si_ ’, followed by a more composed melody that tightens Baekhyun’s chest. He feels he should remember it without success in doing so. “Try it.”  
  
Baekhyun’s attention is back to Chanyeol who is giving him an encouraging smile. For it, he tries to recreate the piece from seconds ago. One or two keys finish awful, but the similarity has Chanyeol humming.  
  
“I knew you could.” Finally, he places his hands, tougher and bigger, on the keys next to Baekhyun’s. “Here.” The next time he plays is slower, giving Baekhyun enough time to follow him, each note engraving in the latter’s mind.  
  
That way, they spent the next hours playing soft songs that slowly warm Baekhyun’s heart.  
  
The music seems to energize Chanyeol even more, if that is somehow possible, and he chooses to keep playing while Baekhyun tries to familiarize himself with the room. There are traces of his paintings ―he deduces by the small signature of a B― that are simple drawings, surely not even recent.  
  
“When did I start drawing?”  
  
“You told me your first proper drawing was at twelve, but, as soon as you turned 18, you moved here to draw professionally. You had small exhibitions until Yixing found you. From then, everything went better.”  
  
“Can I see Yixing?”  
  
“Of course, take my phone and open the gallery, there must be a picture of him there.”  
  
“Like I knew how he looks.”  
  
Nevertheless, Baekhyun takes the phone, ignoring Chanyeol’s chuckle. He stops midway, realizing that the other’s wallpaper is no other but himself sitting on the couch with bed hair, sleepy eyes and a lazy grin. There are even more similar pictures of him in the gallery, including some embarrassing ones.  
  
The feeling is definitely not uncomfortable or embarrassed but it’s pretty similar.  
  
“Are you blushing?” Chanyeol suddenly asks, stopping the music altogether. Baekhyun recognizes the sudden warmth in his cheeks and ears, but doesn’t comply.  
  
“As if. Just tell me how the man looks.”  
  
“I was hoping you could recognize him just by looking at him.” Chanyeol confesses and proceeds to take the phone and search by himself. “Here he is. This was taken at a small party organized for the success you had at your last exhibition.” The zoomed picture shows him and, supposedly, Yixing ―a man with a dimpled smile, dark hair and soft features.  
  
He nods and envisages himself slowly coming back to his old, yet unknown, routine with people that may take longer to remember. Suddenly, he realizes about the important people he hadn't asked about yet.  
  
“Do I have relatives?” he asks both hopeful and curious.  
  
“Yes,” Chanyeol replies dry, eyes glued on his phone “Your parents live outside the city and your older brother is in China at the moment.”  
  
“Did you tell them, about me?”  
  
“Oh, no. Your parents… well, you would kill me if I said anything that makes them worry. Believe me. I told your brother, though, he says he is having a busy week, but as soon as he is free, he will make a call. Forgot to tell you, sorry.”  
  
“What did you tell them about the wedding then?”  
  
Chanyeol licks his lips and clicks his tongue. His expression is remarkably changed when mentioning anything related to it.  
  
“Told them you are in an unexpected trip.”  
  
Baekhyun nods, realizing it may be better, if Chanyeol says so. He takes the mental note of calling them as soon as his memory gets notoriously better.  
  
“Can I see them?” Baekhyun asks while reaching for Chanyeol’s phone expecting to find the same reaction he encountered when asking about Yixing. Nonetheless, Chanyeol shakes his head and talks about the photos in Baekhyun’s laptop ―the one with the password that Baekhyun obviously doesn’t remember either.  
  
His mood drops slightly, but that doesn’t stop him from asking Chanyeol for more information about him. Anything that could help him get better and return to his normal life as soon as possible.  
  
In between, Baekhyun tries, genuinely and keenly, to avoid those walls his mind seems persistent to build. Still, he can’t brush off how Chanyeol struggles to keep the physical space between them. It makes him slightly uneasy, even if he doesn’t want to.  
  
But Chanyeol is not a pusher, so he smiles, really gentle, and takes a step back.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
“Sir?” Baekhyun is drawn back to reality when the receptionist calls for him. He realizes, slightly embarrassed, he has spaced out once again. “Are you feeling well?”  
  
He isn’t.  
  
Nevertheless, he nods and heads to the stairs, leaving the consulting room.  
  
If only he could focus on what exactly is happening, things would be easier. He needs to understand it, but his thoughts are too disorganized and confusing; not even therapy helps put some of them in order, yet. Anyhow, the therapist tried to convince him it’s only normal and it will get better eventually. It’s not that Baekhyun doesn’t want to believe him, but after the first hour session, he barely recalls more, seemingly pointless, things about his childhood.  
  
Baekhyun has to be patient, but he is starting to fret.  
  
On the other hand, Chanyeol hasn’t asked any questions or commented about what is happening. He merely lets himself be pushed by the drift and, in some moments, Baekhyun thinks he may be even trying to ignore the issue at hand. But if he has been acting naive, it must be because he wants to help in the only way he knows.  
  
The thing is that now he has to return to the house, with a small but persistent headache, without actually knowing the address and with no intentions of calling Chanyeol. If he does so, the man will probably refuse to tell him and will simply just come and pick him up, taking away Baekhyun’s chance to fend for himself.  
  
There isn’t much to do but come out of the building. To his surprise, Chanyeol’s car is still parked in front of it, at the same spot where he dropped him in the morning. He knocks on the window making Chanyeol jump in place and hit his head on the roof, his cellphone landing safely on the seat.  
  
“Hey,” Chanyeol says, kneading his head and unlocking the door so Baekhyun can join him.  
  
For how long have you been here?”  
  
“Uh, just arrived,” he replies with the excuse of fidgeting with his phone to evade the other’s gaze. Baekhyun doesn’t know why exactly, but he can swear that's a blatant lie.  
  
However, he lets Chanyeol be and take him to the house.  
  
“Do you work far away?” Baekhyun asks, just to make conversation, and remind him once again that his break is over. “From the house, I mean.”  
  
“I work around three blocks away.” Chanyeol replies, but suddenly catches the glint of something that isn’t really there, at least not in Baekhyun’s mind. “Are you worried of staying alone? I can stay longer at home if you want to.”  
  
“No,” Baekhyun answers a bit too fast, because it sounds good finally being alone. “I’m not burning the house if that is what you are thinking about.”  
  
Chanyeol chuckles. “Maybe it’s better for you to be alone for a few hours. I will be glued to the phone, in case you need anything.”  
  
“You better not, we don’t want you to poison a dog accidentally.”  
  
Chanyeol groans playfully and lightly smacks Baekhyun’s shoulder making the latter flinch instinctively. He sees all kind of emotions in Chanyeol’s eyes but somehow they disappear leaving behind an unreadable gaze.  
  
“Sorry,” Baekhyun says feeling utterly apologetic. It seems to take a while for Chanyeol to adjust to the idea.  
  
“It’s alright.”  
  
There is it again, the kind of support Baekhyun didn’t know he was expecting in the first place. For it, he tries to keep the conversation going, even if the headache is still bugging him through the whole ride.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Chanyeol asks parking in front of the house. Baekhyun barely has time to turn and face him when the other already has his hands in a defensive position. “Just asking. Really, if you need anything, call me. Can even be because you want a baby wipe or whatever.”  
  
Baekhyun chuckles but dismisses his presence with intentions of wandering around the house alone, with no restrictions of any kind. It takes him around five minutes to find the right key, but when he is finally inside, he sighs relieved.  
  
Being for the first time completely alone in the house ―at least that he remembers―, he has to recognize there are many places where to begin with. He didn’t realize how big the house was until now, when no one can distract him.  
  
Toben, fully awake and energetic, comes running from the stairs towards him. His barks of joy aren’t helping to cease the pressure growing at his temples. Nonetheless, Baekhyun pets his head and proceeds to guide him back to the second floor, at the corner where his small bed is placed. He handles him a toy and a small food ration, hoping he will keep quiet and he can find certain silence and peace.  
  
It does become a quiet panorama, reminding him about that sharp headache that doesn’t seem to fade away. There is no medicine in the bathroom or the bedroom, but there are more rooms where he hasn’t even stepped in that may do.  
  
The options aren’t infinite, not as his mind is trying to convince him. If he wants to, he merely needs to focus and pick one, any random room will do.  
  
Thus, he opens the one right at the side of the guest room. It’s a white room with not only art supplies and furniture, but also replete of paintings and pictures. It doesn’t take long until he recognizes it as his studio.  
  
The sole view is overwhelming, considering that room has more of him than any other place. There is a slight suspicion he shouldn’t step further, at least not now, but it’s difficult not getting intrigued and distracted about his surroundings.  
  
From the door frame, he observes the paintings that vary in size, style and technique but are similar by one characteristic: the vibrant colors. Whether they are landscapes, objects, animals or people, the colors are shining hues, even the paintings that are supposed to be cheerless.  
  
It’s _surrealist_ and that word has enough clout to tug his chest. He shouldn’t be looking at any of this now, not even from afar.  
  
He decides to leave but fails as soon as his eyes set in the small picture that hangs on the right wall. It’s him, with a baby blue sweater and blonde hair, holding a birthday cake, icing on his nose and Chanyeol’s arms wrapped around him.  
  
As in the picture hanging at the kitchen, he looks beyond happy, with a smile that presumes to be contagious.  
  
But at the moment, he feels incredibly distant from those times and emotions. That kind of joy is nowhere to be found here. He doesn't feel the bliss or even the serenity he sees in that picture, the only thing he has is the insistent headache and a sensation of nothing. Emptiness that he didn’t notice before.  
  
The awareness of it grows with each passing minute that he spends looking at all the pictures and paintings in the room. He can’t stop himself, from wandering through the first ones again and again, pondering more than he should about them.  
  
It doesn’t matter how many times he observes them or if he stops to scrutinize them, there is no connection between _him_ and _them_. They appear remote and it’s strikingly unfair he feels secluded when they are supposed to be _his_.  
  
He shouldn’t, but he feels hollow, carrying a body with no memories ―those that are supposed to define who he is. Without them, he is everything but himself, because he doesn't even remember what it’s like to be him.  
  
There must be something around to fill the void, but there is only a hall which seems infinite yet narrow.  
  
Every part of the house, every corner and every object has memories. The house is crowded and it brings questions that seem not only never-ending or unstoppable, but also chaotic.  
  
If the doubts aren't enough, he barely can deal with the absence of answers. It suffocates him and, when he finally goes out of the room, it also makes him dizzy.  
  
Thus, he locks himself in the bedroom, the only room he is starting to be familiar with, and alone, he faces the sharp noises and the vibrant colors ―awfully similar from when he woke up in the train but with a throbbing headache.  
  
His rushed state might not be able to hold him for long. As learned from his past experience, he closes his eyes and sinks into the floor to gather air but, unlike last time, the sensation doesn’t fade away. Instead, his mind becomes a shamble.  
  
He stays still, hoping everything to be over eventually.  
  
Seems like hours have passed, although it’s probably not even one, when he notices the silence he is finally engulfed in ―accompanied with a strident white noise slicing the air. It doesn’t bring him comfort but more isolation.  
  
It makes him feel awfully nauseous, thus he rushes towards the bathroom, head down on the sink with nothing coming out.  
  
He can’t deal with it, not a minute more.  
  
Or not alone, at least. With fingers twiddling and shoulders almost shaking, he picks Chanyeol’s number at the phone and makes a call.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
He hopes silence is enough answer for Chanyeol, but a groan escapes his mouth due the frustration.  
  
“Baekhyun? Are you alright?”  
  
The voice keeps coming from the speaker and echoing in the room. He doesn’t even know what is happening or why his mind feels like crumbling, but he tries his best to form a reply.  
  
“Please, come back.”  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t reply right away, but the next thing Baekhyun hears is a door being closed with the sound of a bell at the background.  
  
“Stay there and don’t hang up.”  
  
Waiting for that to be true, Baekhyun nods to the nothing and washes his face trying to drown the suffocation with it. The engine sound of the car can be heard, along with Chanyeol’s worried voice for what it seems to be another quarter hour.  
  
As soon as Chanyeol announces his return, Baekhyun rushes towards the entrance leaving the phone in the sink. He arrives just in time to see the door being open.  
  
“Baekhyun,” is everything Chanyeol achieves to say before Baekhyun is clinging to him, fingers curling at the sides of his white coat.  
  
He hides his face in the other’s chest and it’s the aroma ―familiar and secure― what makes Baekhyun alleviated when he is finally embraced. He sighs heavily, the suffocation dying slowly, as Chanyeol tenderly places his cheek at the top of his head.  
  
Between the embrace, Baekhyun realizes Chanyeol may be needing it too.  
  
Syrupy tea is being poured, the steam flowing from the cup Chanyeol is serving with much care. He places it in front of Baekhyun at the small table in the living room, the aroma and warm embracing him.  
  
“Thank you,” Baekhyun holds the cup close to him and blows to it, his breathing steady and body visibly more relaxed than minutes ago.  
  
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Chanyeol asks warily as he takes a sit beside him, keeping his distance by barely few inches.  
  
If he denies, there it will be again, the sour uncertainty in Chanyeol’s eyes. If he agrees, they will probably end up with nothing, accompanied with soft-spoken words from Chanyeol. For all the times they have tried to address anything related to the issue, Baekhyun has understood that it isn’t comprehensible or comfortable for any.  
  
Nonetheless, last thing he wants to do is peeve or drive away the only person that is trying to help. Particularly after being him the one asking for Chanyeol to come back.  
  
Thus, he tries once again.  
  
“I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense but―”  
  
“It’s alright.” Chanyeol interrupts and gently caresses his shoulder. At least this time he seems eager to reply. “Just talk to me about it.”  
  
“I felt sick and dizzy,” Baekhyun starts slowly so his thoughts can take some shape. “I felt like everything around this house was crushing me and I wouldn’t find answers to anything.” He takes a pause to find any trace of doubt in Chanyeol but he stays silent, encouraging him to keep talking. “It feels as if everything is odd and so far away. It disorients me, because I don’t know what to do or how to act upon it. Is this even normal? Is this supposed to be happening?”  
  
Chanyeol stays silent, looking at him with those deep eyes Baekhyun seems unable to take his gaze from.  
  
Baekhyun wants to believe his lack of words means he is trying to find an answer.  
  
“You know…,” his voice is soft but hesitant, almost if trying to make the perfect choice of words for Baekhyun. “You have always hated to forget things to the point that even forgetting about a small meeting could ruin your day. So, I understand that you may feel anxious about all of this,―”  
  
Although Baekhyun appreciates Chanyeol’s compliance to stop ignoring the issue, this is not what he was expecting in the first place.  
  
“ ―Junmyeon said all of this started due a huge amount of stress. Maybe, you should stop worrying too much about it―”  
  
Chanyeol talks like the best way to remember something is to _forget_ about it in the first place. After picking the words with caution, he is starting to gabble once again.  
  
“ ―I’m _not_ saying you should stop wondering or asking about everything, but maybe you shouldn’t force the memories back to you. I’m not saying you are forcing them right now, I―”  
  
Whatever he says next, it falls on deaf ears.  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t want it, he sincerely does not want to get annoyed by Chanyeol who is only trying to help. But if he has to be sincere, he isn’t helping that much right now.  
  
He is underrating the situation, acting like if everything he said was the easiest thing to do. Just like Baekhyun imagined, he is trying to divert the actual issue once again.  
  
Whatever sensation of dissociation Baekhyun might try to bring to the light is absurdly disregarded by Chanyeol’s sugar coated words.  
  
“―I just don’t want this to be difficult for you―”  
  
It’s obviously not going to be a fair or sweet ride and it’s hard to not rub the obvious negative panorama to the other.  
  
“―Last thing I want is you feeling like you’re going through this alone. I don’t want you to suffer or get hurt about whatever this is Baekhyun.”  
  
And so, the irking begins to fade away.  
  
In front of him there isn’t a man mocking him about his situation. Instead, there is someone who has the best intentions to comfort under perhaps one of the worst helping methods.  
  
Baekhyun sighs and takes a sip of the tea, sweet and candid as Chanyeol’s wishes that are, once again, having a hard time reaching him.  
  
“Thank you,” he says, repeating their new established routine ―in which the next step is forget the conversation ever happened and move on.  
  
However, Baekhyun promises to himself not to address the topic anymore, to avoid more frustrating conversations with the other.  
  
As expected, Chanyeol doesn’t push the topic further throughout the day. However, he does insist to stay with Baekhyun. The latter doesn’t mind, the other’s presence ―even with his small restrictions, naivety and gushing― is soothing and gives him a placid place to settle his tired mind.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Once again, the therapist had assured Baekhyun that the awful feeling of disconnection means good news. Good news as in Baekhyun finally reaching that moment of absolute consciousness about his memory loss and already on the track of acceptance.  
  
Acceptance comes before healing, and Baekhyun wants to heal, more than anything. That’s why he doesn’t protest about keeping the therapy going even if there is almost no improvement through the days.  
  
At least, he hasn’t had another stressful episode and his old routine is starting to take shape. Except for his job which, according to Chanyeol and Junmyeon, he isn’t ready to return to yet. Yixing may say otherwise, but Chanyeol is always fast to dismiss his phone calls when he starts talking about work.  
  
Without notice, Baekhyun has already memorized whatever he needs to wander around the house ―excluding the studio that Chanyeol keeps locked for “safety reasons”―, whatever is close to the house by two blocks and some essentials like information from friends and coworkers, important dates and even the contents of the cupboard.  
  
Yet, memorizing is not the same as remembering and that detachment sensation is lingering right there, above him, waiting to land at any time.  
  
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol breaks his trail of thoughts once again. “We are here.” Baekhyun turns at the house and wonders, with Chanyeol already out of the car and the door wide open, how long they have been there. “Are you feeling well? Do you want to go back to the hospital?”  
  
“No,” Baekhyun says shaking his head and trying to make a reassuring smile. He had enough of Junmyeon for a Saturday. “Let’s go.”  
  
He comes out of the car but soon enough realizes Chanyeol isn’t following him. The latter stays standing there, looking like he wants to tell him something but keeping a hesitant silent for some seconds.  
  
“Are you sure?” he asks with a serene tone that contrasts with the plea in his eyes. “Baekhyun I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. I don’t want to pressure you, but I do want you to get better and silence isn’t going to work.”  
  
In the blink of an eye, Baekhyun remembers every time he had tried to open up about the situation. It didn’t take long to understand Chanyeol can’t help when he doesn’t know how to.  
  
Sadly Baekhyun doesn’t know either and talking about that again would take energy he doesn’t believe he has at the moment.  
  
“It’s nothing.” Baekhyun replies vaguely and goes straight to the bathroom to wash his face.  
  
Honestly, he is unsure if he would be able to talk about it with anyone else. The therapist is open to help but lacks of that familiarity Baekhyun craves so much, Junmyeon is just checking his physical health and Yixing seems busy every time he tries to talk to him.  
  
Kyungsoo is not an option either, even if, after some few skype calls, Baekhyun considers him to be the supportive type, easy to talk to and pretty likable. After all, he is in Paris with a tight schedule Baekhyun can’t adjust to.  
  
Perhaps he is just making excuses to avoid the discussion and Chanyeol is right, it’s his personality coming to the surface. If that’s true, these traits ―stubbornness and impatience― are his and he should embrace them.  
  
He will take it, because getting to know himself is ridiculously difficult.  
  
It not only happens with him but also with everyone in his life. Although it’s slightly different with Chanyeol ―whom it seems he can read, know the meaning behind his expressions and foresee what he is going to do next―, he has built this image of him that seems to still lack of accuracy.  
  
Baekhyun had hoped it would be different with his family. However, he still doesn’t know much about them besides the snippets of information Chanyeol has been telling him.  
  
He doesn’t want to ask about them anymore, he wants to demand actual descriptions, actual knowledge, actual experiences, actual pictures. He deserves to know.  
  
His brother is still busy enough to even make a call or answer any of his, apparently. If he seriously thinks about it, it does look―  
  
“Baekhyun, are you alright?” Chanyeol asks knocking the door. There he is again, certainly doing more than he should, treating Baekhyun with cloying delicacy and a colossal amount of guardianship he didn’t ask for.  
  
Baekhyun may still feel disoriented, but he is still a competent, nimble adult, and if he would want, he could walk away from Chanyeol. He could open that studio door, ask about his family to anyone else, make a call to Yixing, go back to work, travel around the city alone and all the other small restrictions Chanyeol settles down for his “safety”. Yet, he will give him that benefit for now, since there are no reasons to be rude to him.  
  
He has been overprotective and naive, but also caring, attentive, kind, always offering to help, taking Baekhyun to wherever he needs and pulling him back right when he is at the edge of anxiety.  
  
If there is someone who can read Baekhyun, it’s Chanyeol, even if he doesn’t fully understand what those awful current emotions mean.  
  
“Baekhyun?”  
  
“I’m fine,” Baekhyun opens the door with the most plausible smile he can.  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t seem to believe him and places a gentle hand over Baekhyun’s forehead ―another habit they are getting used to.  
  
“I’m fine,” Baekhyun repeats and walks towards the room where, as every Saturday, he will wait for Chanyeol to take his clothes out of the closet and carry them to the guest room ―where the latter has been sleeping for the past weeks.  
  
“Sometimes when I don’t find the solution of a problem, I try to rest and the solution comes by itself,” Chanyeol says as he opens the closet and starts with the routine.  
  
Baekhyun has heard the same sentence countless times in different words due the seemingly positive nature of Chanyeol. Surely, he does want to focus on whatever makes him feel happy and careless, but it isn’t as simple as the other says. The moments where he is distracted enough to keep the worries at their minimum, joke around, talk freely with Chanyeol and even feel better with each other, are few.  
  
It’s tiresome to not find a middle ground most of the time. Either he is too careless or too conscious of his surroundings and, in neither one of them, he is able to relish anything.  
  
Chanyeol has these insistent eyes waiting for Baekhyun to agree. After all, they have spent the afternoons and weekends memorizing in a monotonous way, even when going outside. He is tired, thus he nods and decides to do whatever the other has in mind.  
  
“What do we usually do when we are together then?”  
  
“We do whatever we can come up with,” Chanyeol answers with a smile reaching for his caps at the top shelf. “We could watch a movie or go out, go to a restaurant or just stay home and organize your drawings, play the piano, do karaoke or dance around. I don’t know, build a pillow fort, maybe?”  
  
Baekhyun chuckles, he doesn’t remember a single thing, but it’s hilarious to imagine.  
  
“What?” Chanyeol turns with a bright smile. “You love pillow forts and camping inside the house.”  
  
“And karaoke too?”  
  
“You love karaoke, alright?” Chanyeol places everything he needs on the bed and raises a playful gaze. “What do you want to do, Baek?” Although it’s a common question, this time sounds odd ―with the small nickname at the end and a sweet tone that does something odd to Baekhyun’s heart.  
  
Somehow, it gives him the wish to comply a little bit more, but not with a lie this time.  
  
“I don’t know,” he replies, yet it’s more sincere than anything else he could have chosen.  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t mind, as it seems he already had something in mind that includes both side to side, wrapped in blankets on the floor of the living room, with Toben at their feet and an improvised display of the pictures saved in the former’s laptop.  
  
It’s a pleasant space, in which Baekhyun feels levelheaded enough to even let himself joke around ―realizing it comes naturally, making Chanyeol laugh each time.  
  
A picture of them in a small apartment is the perfect scenario for Chanyeol to share with him some fragments of old and seemingly simpler times. Such as when they, and Kyungsoo of course, first visited Seoul with pocket money, a big amount of luck and small dreams that started to get bigger with time.  
  
It wasn’t until they got together and moved to Seoul, that those dreams started to take shape, even if they used to live in a small and humble neighborhood back then.  
  
“Second floor, apartment 108 with a nice view to the wall of the building next to ours.” Chanyeol says with a tangible nostalgia in his soft voice. “At the first floor of that building, there was a small flower shop handled by a sweet married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, who gifted us Toben when he was barely a pup.”  
  
Baekhyun listens carefully to not miss any detail, trying to picture everything with the help of the photos and mirror the familiarity Chanyeol carries with each word. From time to time, Chanyeol carefully flickers his hair, to remember him there is no need in memorizing everything as he always does.  
  
Sometimes, they would eat in different places ―like Mr. and Mrs. Kim’s house― to save enough money for the rent, art supplies and Chanyeol’s tuition. Everything was shared back then, even the clothes since their height difference wasn’t that notorious.  
  
It would take time for Yixing to finally find Baekhyun and it would even take longer for Chanyeol to finish college and find a proper job, but it seems that didn’t discourage them at all.  
  
“Those days were some of the happiest,” he believes he hears Chanyeol whisper, but, when he asks about it, the latter dismisses his comment. Baekhyun might not be able to remember, but, looking at those pictures ―at him with his originally black hair, childish smile and no fear of the future whatsoever, besides Chanyeol who had curls, a lanky frame and shyness that already ceased to exist― he has to agree. Even when times were tough and scarce of their current commodities, the photos carry a sensation of serenity, growth and youth.  
  
And love.  
  
But he prefers to ignore that for the moment.  
  
“You don’t have pictures of my family here?” Baekhyun asks instead, noticing how Chanyeol’s shoulders tense slightly. Fairly, that sole movement is what he was expecting for, with an idea finally landing with it. “Do you have problems with them?”  
  
“No,” Chanyeol answers dryly, the soft trail of his voice gone. He places the laptop between them and takes Toben from Baekhyun’s side to pet him. “I don’t have pictures of them.”  
  
“But you do have problems with them.”  
  
“I didn’t say that.”  
  
“Why?” Baekhyun asks, because has no idea of how to mouth all his worries nor organize a theory on the cause. “How are they?”  
  
Chanyeol sighs and it takes a few minutes for him to start talking, not facing Baekhyun and playing with Toben on his legs.  
  
“Your brother is a really busy person. We haven’t really talked in a long time, but he has always been… neutral about me. It’s just that … you both were too different.”  
  
“Were? How so?”  
  
“Aish,” Chanyeol scratches his neck and meets Baekhyun’s gaze. There is hesitance in his eyes, above everything else. “When I met him you were too different. _At that time_. I don’t know how he is now. But back then, he was a hopeless workaholic.”  
  
Baekhyun hums because the last word rings to him. It sounds extremely honest and not somehow sugar coated as Chanyeol has been treating the problems lately.  
  
“And too serious, you know? He always had this face.” He makes a stern face exaggerating the features to make them look grotesque, with a big frown and a small pout in the mouth. Baekhyun can’t stop from snorting. “This can work. This can’t. I am the adult here. Kids don’t know anything. They don’t even know how to maintain themselves.”  
  
“How old is he?”  
  
“34.”  
  
At the time he would go with Chanyeol to Seoul to fulfill their dreams, they were 17 and 18. His brother would be 25, feeling and acting like an adult. Chanyeol’s concept of adulthood is pretty different, but that isn’t enough to avoid talking about him.  
  
“And my parents?”  
  
“Your parents.” Chanyeol looks around the room biting his lip. Minutes pass without an answer, making Baekhyun think he already forgot the question. “Let’s say they are… stubborn.”  
  
He cuts it there while standing up saying he forgot to feed Toben or some other lie to hide at the kitchen.  
  
“I just fed him,” Baekhyun replies, drowning in resignation and between the blankets.  
  
Chanyeol knows.  
  
He _must_ know about Baekhyun’s doubts and growing skepticism because of the vague answers he feeds to him about his parents. He just knows what he has been told before, that they are _serious, quiet_ and _concerned by many things_.  
  
Both are merely slowing the process of unveiling the truth, giving Baekhyun reasons to think perhaps he should go and find the answers by himself ―go back to his parents house, where everything started, and get his memory back from childhood to adulthood.  
  
That’s it, that’s how Chanyeol could help him: letting him go.  
  
He sighs, the vanilla scent of the blankets engulfing him in an unexpected warmth, making his eyelids heavy, similar to his mind.  
  
When he opens his eyes again, Chanyeol is right next to him, clean clothes and water dripping from his hair. He is typing on his phone and, when he realizes of Baekhyun’s awaken presence, he smiles brightly.  
  
The way he seems genuinely excited almost makes Baekhyun forget he ignored his questions before. Nevertheless, still half-asleep and covered by blankets, he lets himself be guided by Chanyeol’s enthusiast steps.  
  
They arrive to the room next to the guest one. Baekhyun gives Chanyeol an inquiring look with disbelief, yet next thing the latter does is open the studio for once.  
  
This is his wordless way to make it up for what happened, Baekhyun assumes. It’s not a secret Chanyeol has a soft heart, that tends to turn guilty by his naive actions in less than an hour.  
  
The confidence Baekhyun has been gathering, through the weeks after his episode, threatens to disappear as soon as he gives the first step. But it gets better when he gives the second, and the third, and the fourth, and so on until he is at the center of the room.  
  
Finally, he feels composed enough to absorb every detail of the view. It’s a really nice room with enough natural light, which lands on each painting, emphasizing the vibrant colors and increasing the contrast with the white walls.  
  
The wooden floor is stained with small dots and strokes from different colors, of oil paint that couldn’t be washed. And so is the furniture, which is simple, nothing too fancy, ―five drawers, a small table, some chairs and a special wooden trippy with an empty white canvas― all over the place, with no apparent order.  
  
The room is alive, full of something he didn’t notice before. It weighs on him, but in a slightly different way than before.  
  
“I was thinking that drawing could help,” Chanyeol walks straight to the small drawers, locked by some reason. “I will take out some instruments for you.”  
  
With that said, he tries to unlock the padlocks one by one with small keys gathered in a handful.  
  
Meanwhile, Baekhyun wanders once again through his paintings. The drawings are provoking. Although he doesn’t fully understand some of them, they evoke different feelings in him, from happiness to an incredible nostalgia ―those that dig in him to the point he has to keep walking in order to breath.  
  
He also finds portfolios and drawings scattered all over the small table ―next to that laptop he still has no grip of. There are mostly doodles and plain sketches, he even finds a rough sketch of Chanyeol’s side profile which is soothing to look at.  
  
“Finally,” Chanyeol exclaims at the click sound of the last lock. “It has been so long since I opened them by myself.”  
  
Baekhyun hands him the drawing, as he proceeds to inspect the drawers contents. He runs a ghostly touch over the watercolors, oil paint, color pencils, and faces the dilemma of with which to start. He is about to ask, but as soon as he settles his eyes in Chanyeol, he freezes. Because Chanyeol is looking at him softly, lovingly and, the affection has been always there, since the train station, and of course from before, but now it feels so tangible.  
  
It reaches Baekhyun, it gives him goosebumps, makes his cheeks slightly warm.  
  
But also makes him want to turn away, because the gaze feels heavy.  
  
Therefore, he takes the grip of the first object he can ―a brush and blue watercolor―, drops the blanket, takes a seat in the small chair in front of the canvas, hurrying to dismiss the new dizzy sensation.  
  
“Where do I start?”  
  
“Wherever you want,” Chanyeol replies, still holding the drawing, eyes fixed on it. “Do you want me to go outside?”  
  
“Do you usually stay outside?”  
  
“I do.” He folds the paper sheet and saves it in his pocket. “Although it’s not like you would hate me for being around here. I used to come and play the guitar, but it has been so long since the last time I did it.”  
  
“Do you want to stay?”  
  
“Only if you want me to.” Baekhyun finds that his will to comply frustrating sometimes. Nevertheless, he plays it off by not answering knowing what it comes next. “I don’t want to bother or stress you.”  
  
And it always comes to this, Chanyeol says something that annoys Baekhyun and then comes up with anything that will drown the frustration. Baekhyun is still unsure about if he notices about his irking or that is just the way he is.  
  
Although, he doesn’t doubt for a second the actual kind nature of Chanyeol. He is nice, perhaps _too nice_. It somehow,manages to peeve Baekhyun in the least expected situations.  
  
“I don’t mind,” he says but he isn’t that sure if it’s the same thing he is feeling. With a small part of blue on his brush, he turns to see Chanyeol, who is still standing there with a smile and encouraging nods.  
  
“Do you want music?” Chanyeol asks after some seconds of nothing landing in the canvas. “You usually paint with music.”  
  
Baekhyun shakes his head, music would only make it harder to focus. Even if he tries to, there is no way he can dismiss Chanyeol’s presence and the nervousness rising at his stomach. A few minutes pass and the situation doesn’t get better.  
  
“Do you want something to eat?”  
  
Baekhyun nods this time. As Chanyeol leaves the room, he understands it was his excuse to get out of the room, trying to make it the less akward possible.  
  
_Too nice_.  
  
With him gone, the brush finally touches the canvas. Yet, Baekhyun realizes he has nothing to paint.  
  
After some hesitation, he decides to try evoking any kind of feeling and letting his hand flow freely. Perhaps, he should _stop thinking_ ―as Chanyeol has repeated many times. Thus, now there is a straight line in the middle from top to bottom, but without feeling like moving anywhere else.  
  
He is an artist and, _supposedly_ , artists find inspiration even at their worst times. Just like he probably did when painting those drawings at his back ―surrealist ones, with blue shades and yellow shadows, the focus of the drawing at the center, cornered, secluded.  
  
Nothing seems to come out from that straight line, though. The paint is going to dry painfully slowly and he tries, he does and turns around to settle in anything, whatever that can be portrayed in the canvas.  
  
It feels like another deja vu, with that distant feeling crawling from his hands to his head.  
  
Everything can be painted, but not by him apparently. It seems as if his skill has gone along his memories.  
  
If they never come back, his skill won’t either.  
  
But everything around is _his_ , even if he doesn’t feel like it again. Everything around _should be his_ , there is no other way for the things to be.  
  
That feeling grows and, suddenly without noticing, everything becomes violent strokes on the canvas, blue watercolor lying on the floor, on the walls, on him.  
  
It’s vibrant blue, as vibrant as his emotions ―from sadness to raw frustration, anger growing and burning like fire. He doesn’t want to break anything or let himself explode in ways he wouldn’t be able to control.  
  
Thus, he stays there, hands over his face trying to cover himself from the outside.  
  
Chanyeol comes back, asking which kind of dessert would he want, but stops midway when he realizes the situation. He stands there, still and dazed, probably wondering which is the best way to reach for him.  
  
Much to his dismay, Baekhyun finally accepts that, in this whole time, he has been unable to know how.  
  
Besides, Baekhyun isn’t sure if he wants to be reached at that moment. But Chanyeol doesn’t understand and tries to gather everything saying soothing words that, this time, don’t reach him.  
  
He, as simple as it never happened, stands up and locks himself in the room.  
  
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol knocks with concern in his voice. “Are you alright?”  
  
_Alright_. Baekhyun almost snorts at that but he is too drained, too disapointed, to do so.  
  
“Do you want me to come inside? I will understand if you don’t―”  
  
“No.”  
  
Last thing Baekhyun wants is sympathetic naivety from a man that, not only doesn’t know how to help, but also hides things, important ones. It’s not fair, and Baekhyun may regret it later as he always does, but he will push Chanyeol away once again.  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t come inside as promised and lets him fall asleep with the dream of a small town at the edge of the Seoul.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
It's the first time that Chanyeol isn't outside the consultory building waiting for him.  
  
Baekhyun should be glad, because he can finally go back to the house alone, if it wasn’t for the fact that he is slightly worried. Chanyeol wouldn’t leave him there all by himself, let alone when it’s raining ―it certainly doesn’t fit his overprotective persona.  
  
He didn’t even sent a text, Baekhyun has already checked twice.  
  
What happened last week has settled a strange mood between them ―Baekhyun too annoyed about almost everything Chanyeol does around him, and the latter too hesitant to reach out again. But _this_ is odd.  
  
He bites his lips, and checks his phone again, he will call while he walks to find any kind of transportation. He doesn’t have an umbrella, but the rain is weak and he is wearing that sweatshirt Chanyeol tucked him in before leaving.  
  
With each ring he has enough time to regret calling, the man must be at work, something important must have come up, or even if nothing happened, he has every right to leave. Before he can hang up, because he is _definitely_ not worried, Chanyeol picks up.  
  
“Oh my god, Baekhyun!” he answers hurriedly, there is faint music in the background, he is not at work. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even see the hour! Stay there, I will pick you up.”  
  
“No, I’m already heading home.” Baekhyun lies. “I’m in a cab.”  
  
“Oh,” Chanyeol’s voice becomes lower, with evident disappointment. “Um… then let me talk to you until you get home safe, alright?”  
  
The question vexes Baekhyun, as if he was suddenly smacked in the face.  
  
“I’m fully capable of getting home by myself, I’m not a kid or someone that needs your help all the time whatsoever.”  
  
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Chanyeol groans. Since last week, he has been showing signs of irritation more and more, he is probably getting tired, impatient too ―but Baekhyun won’t move a finger to change it. He can’t believe he cared enough to call him in the first place. “See you there then.” Chanyeol sighs before hanging up.  
  
Baekhyun regrets treating him dry, annoyed, without second considerations, but the time he used to think before acting has already passed. Now, he is usually filled with annoyance, then remorse, then guilt and back at the beginning each time, with no control.  
  
There must be a way to work this situation out or else both will end up exhausting each other.  
  
It hits Baekhyun, that perhaps they should stay apart for some days, or weeks. After visiting his parents, as he has been planning for days, Baekhyun could move to an apartment meanwhile.  
  
He ponders on how to tell Chanyeol, even when he finally lands on the bed and tries to sleep through the irritation the whole situation gives him. Chanyeol might not understand it at first, but Baekhyun will do everything to make it less hurtful.  
  
It’s already afternoon when he wakes up from his nap, still feeling drained. Chanyeol should get there in around an hour, therefore he has enough time to prepare something and eat alone in the studio ―where he has spent the past days without telling Chanyeol. He doesn’t really do anything there, but stare at the same drawings and paintings over and over again.  
  
Unexpectedly, when he arrives in the kitchen, he finds the table filled with snacks, pastries and small portions of different kinds of food ―Chanyeol is even taking out some cookies from a package.  
  
Meals are different with him, and so are dinners. It reminds him of a similar panorama, a burnt smell lingering in the room, the smoke coming out from the oven contrasting with the white walls, an ugly cake placed at the table, but Chanyeol is laughing, then smiling at him, then getting closer.  
  
“You burnt our first oven, right?” Baekhyun says without thinking, having no time to stop himself.  
  
It's a simple comment, from a memory that probably lacks of importance, yet Chanyeol tenses and then turns with a bright and hopeful smile, which, at least this time, does soothe Baekhyun’s semblance.  
  
“See? I told you a break from memorizing would work. Come here,” he says taking a seat and placing the cookies on the table. Baekhyun joins him, in what it seems will be a serene afternoon in the kitchen, no mention of the problems whatsoever.  
  
Oddly, Baekhyun also finds himself in the mood of pretending everything surrounding him is alright.  
  
“I bought some of your favorite snacks and desserts, there is even ice cream in the refrigerator. Also I got food: Korean, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, Italian… I suggest you start with pizza, _if_ you want, but I insist. I found extra cheese and pepperoni in that place I told you, they told me about this new flavor they are testing, but I decided to start with basic. Anyway, we can also start with meat, I got different meat cuts and stew, pretty similar to that one Kyungsoo used to cook for you. So, I―”  
  
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says, picking the so-called extra cheese pizza.  
  
“Sorry,” Chanyeol smiles apologetic. “I will stop blabbering so you can eat.”  
  
Baekhyun complies, because he is hungry and the food smell does wonders to his mood. The first bite makes him hum in approval and, from there, he doesn’t stop.  
  
“Easy,” Chanyeol says playful as he takes his own slice.  
  
There is no more blabbering, but an actual simple conversation about the food Baekhyun keeps tasting ―from the doenjang stew to the honey cakes to the sweet strawberry candies. It’s a light atmosphere, a peaceful one he feels glad to achieve.  
  
But Baekhyun’s mind can not be fooled that easily again.  
  
Perhaps he is going to make a mistake talking about him moving out, in a serene moment like this, this _is not_ his best idea. However, he doesn't want to wait until the gullible moment is over, and then come back to the already familiar but apathetic atmosphere.  
  
“I was thinking…” he starts warily. Chanyeol hums, handing him the half of a broken cherry candy. Baekhyun takes it, bites it and pretends to be distracted by the red transparency of the remainings. “I want to visit my parents.”  
  
Chanyeol clicks his tongue and pretends he doesn’t care much, as he unwraps the next candy. “Why is that?”  
  
Baekhyun bites his tongue, to not spill how absurd that question is when the answer is so evident.  
  
“I think it’s pretty obvious,” he says softly instead. “I need their address.” There is no answer but an uncomfortable silence that stretches and weighs between them. The man in front of him doesn’t face him, instead fidgets with the wrapping pointlessly. “Chanyeol.”  
  
Chanyeol grimaces of discomfort. “When do you want to go?” he asks without paying real attention to what Baekhyun wants, trying to slow down the situation.  
  
“Tomorrow,” he is ignored once again, but _it’s enough_. “I will go, by myself, tomorrow. After that, I will move out for a while.”  
  
The sharp tone of his statement vexes Chanyeol. In moments like this, it’s so easy to read him ―his shoulders tense, his mouth forms a thin line, his eyes are lowered and he grips his fingers nervously. That means he will either avoid the situation with careful words, or comply.  
  
But this time, he faces Baekhyun and he looks tired, annoyed and unable to bend.  
  
“You can’t.”  
  
Baekhyun sneers bitterly in disbelief. “It’s not like I’m asking for permission. Actually, forget about the address, I will get it myself.”  
  
He stands up abruptly to go anywhere but near Chanyeol. As he reaches the staircase, Chanyeol has the audacity to grasp his forearm.  
  
“Baekhyun,” his grip is firm, but he is trying hard to make his tone serene. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
  
It doesn’t make sense at all ―Chanyeol’s persistence to avoid the inevitable. At this point, Baekhyun doesn’t even care what happened between his family and the man, he is more upset of the fact that Chanyeol considers him dull enough to avoid the topic. _Fuck_ , Baekhyun doesn’t even care if this is about his family or something else, but Chanyeol deciding what to tell him and what not, what to do and what not, will not do.  
  
“What then?” Baekhyun pulls his arm away, breaking the grip and raising his voice. “Should I stay here and wait for you to command everything I do?”  
  
“Calm down,” his tone is also higher, however he still tries to hold that placid and comforting image of him in front of Baekhyun. “I’m just trying to help―”  
  
“Can you just face for once that you don’t know how to help?”  
  
“Baek―,” he tries once again but Baekhyun won’t have it. _Not anymore_.  
  
“You have been doing nothing but overlooking the real problems here. You use this facade of being positive and nice to evade everything you don’t want to face. Even if I need it! It’s enough, honestly, you pretending that being in this situation is normal and the problems will solve by themselves if you ignore them enough, is ridiculous.”  
  
“I’m trying!” Chanyeol yells, it comes louder than Baekhyun expected but he won’t make a step back. “I’m doing everything I can do and you call it ridiculous? Ridiculous is that you want to go after everything I am doing here to keep you safe!”  
  
“Safe from what exactly?!” Baekhyun yells back. “The only thing you have been doing is imposing me stupid and pointless rules!”  
  
“I’m not imposing anything on you! Fuck! I have barely spoken about whatever I want to talk about. We mostly do whatever the fuck you want, even if you want to lock yourself in the room the whole day without talking to me!”  
  
“Then what is it? I’m listening right now! What do you want to talk about? About how you keep things from me? About how you probably lied about my parents ? About all the other small lies you have probably told me?”  
  
“I’m not lying! You would understand if you would remember, when everything comes back you will understand why I am doing this.”  
  
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! _Oh you can’t do this, oh we can't talk about that, oh I’m so sorry Baekhyun, I’m a scared cat who can’t face problems properly and will treat you like a stupid that can be fooled with nice words!_ Do you want me to understand? Then fucking explain to me instead of acting like a fucking know-it-all asshole!”  
  
“Can’t you fucking see I’m doing all of this because I care about you?! I fucking love you, why can’t you just forget about everything else, stay by my side and listen to me?”  
  
To use his feelings is a low blow. Even now, Chanyeol is still trying to evade everything by playing the nice guy card.  
  
It’s the same every time, thus Baekhyun realizes, “You don’t want me to remember shit! You don’t want me to remember the stuff that could change my perspective of you!”  
  
Chanyeol looks confused, but how his shoulders slightly drop give Baekhyun the certainty that he is somehow right. “Of course I want to! What would happen if your memory doesn’t come back? What am I supposed to do then?”  
  
“I don’t know, but being here won’t solve anything!”  
  
“And your solution is to go to your parents? I already told you they are stubborn. Why do you even care?!”  
  
“What the fuck is your problem?!” Baekhyun yells louder, his voice cracking almost at the end. That seems to startle Chanyeol, who bites his tongue and stops whatever he was going to say next. “Do you really think that by staying here we are going to fix everything? With you hiding whatever you want and―”  
  
“Can you stop with that?” Chanyeol’s voice is lower than before, but still full of vexing. “Don’t act like you don’t hide things from me neither. From the moment you stepped in here, you have been silent about all of this. I ask you what you want to do, how do you feel and you keep evading this like I wasn’t trying to help or like I am irrelevant to what you are going through.”  
  
“What do you want then?! For me to tell you everything you need to do step by step?!” Baekhyun says ignoring the fact that, at the moment and even before, he doesn’t even know what he wants or how to fix this.  
  
“That would fucking help. I’m also tired of all this shit!”  
  
“Do tell me, what are you tired of exactly?! What is this all about?! Don’t you think I’m feeling way worse than you?! Shit! At least you remember your fucking face perfectly! You don’t have idea of what is happening!”  
  
“I would know shit if you would tell me! But what have you done? Keeping all to yourself! Why is that? You don’t fucking trust me?!―”  
  
“No!” Chanyeol shuts up, he looks hurt but Baekhyun can’t stop. “From the beginning I wanted to talk about this, but you always ran away! You don’t help, you don’t know how to help me! It’s not like I could go and express everything I feel because I don’t even know it, but you, you have a grip of everything and still keep your mouth shut! I have tried talking to you about this and there you go deciding that, oh, it’s too fucking much for you! I’m the one that doesn’t even remember a damn thing here! You have been pretty useless for that! I don’t want to be near you and I am leaving!”  
  
Chanyeol stares at him for a few seconds, so tired, so disappointed, so sad. Baekhyun needs to run away from him, because there is an awful sensation running through him, tugging at his chest insistently, making his hands shake.  
  
“If that is what you want,” Chanyeol says before leaving the house, slamming the door at his departure.  
  
With the door closed, Baekhyun realizes that sensation is regret.  
  
It won’t go away, not even silence seems to appease it. The anger still whirls inside him, making him shudder and unable to find that peace he craved so much. If that wasn’t enough, he has to cope with sudden and suffocating sensations, such as sadness and melancholy, combined with an insistent feeling of guilt that shouldn’t be there, coming from who knows where.  
  
He needed to take everything out. Not in that chaotic and thoughtless exchange of accusations of course, but nothing can be done now, there is no turning back and no visible way to fix it.  
  
Thus, he stays in his studio with locked doors, a throbbing head, a knot in his throat and the realization that he doesn’t want to face this alone.  
  
But Kyungsoo’s voice in the voice mail is everything Baekhyun receives and it worsens everything.  
  
It’s idiotic, he knows, but he can’t help but feel so much anger at everything and everyone, including himself, without knowing exactly why. This time, there is no way to sleep on the feeling or pretend it was never there. Instead, he spends the next hour recalling everything that has been happening ever since he arrived to Seoul, returning every time at the discussion with Chanyeol.  
  
Almost as if he was trying to give himself a proper reason, prove himself it needed to be done. Pondering about it ―about the complaints, the lack of communication, the damage it caused― Baekhyun is right. He needs to stay away from Chanyeol, but he should have done it sooner, mainly to avoid the bad things he said.  
  
Perhaps that way, the burden on his shoulders wouldn’t feel this heavy.  
  
Meanwhile he tries to erase the guilt, his receives a call.  
  
"Baek? Did something happen?” Kyungsoo’s voice is nice to hear after all, at least there is honest concern in it. “I have losts calls from both of you.”  
  
Baekhyun isn’t waiting for Kyungsoo to pick sides. He can be easily influenced by both, but he also keeps his opinions impartial and detached.  
  
“How are you?” Baekhyun asks slightly hesitant, the anger is slowly fading away, leaving him too exhausted to shove everything to anyone. “What are you doing? How wonderful is the life in Paris?"  
  
Kyungsoo chuckles, it’s nice. "It’s not really that interesting yet. We just had breakfast."  
  
"Am I interrupting something?"  
  
"No, not at all.” Despite how much Kyungsoo tries to comply, his concern return between seconds. “What’s happening? Are you alright?"  
  
“We just had a discussion.” Kyungsoo won’t settle with that and will keep asking until Baekhyun has blurted everything, so he adds, “I told him I wanted to go to my parents house and after that I would move out.”  
  
The discussion means more than that, but he won’t talk about that for now.  
  
“I see,” is everything Kyungsoo says, with his tone serene as always, not sounding surprised at all.  
  
"Kyungsoo, you wouldn't lie to me, right?”  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"How are my parents then? Chanyeol didn’t want to tell me anything, only that they are stubborn. He is keeping things from me, he doesn’t want to describe them or show me pictures, fuck, he barely pays attention when I ask about them.” Baekhyun bites his tongue, last thing he wants is getting irritated again and release that on Kyungsoo. “I’m sorry.”  
  
"It’s alright.” Kyungsoo says and ponders for a few seconds before answering. “Difficult. Your parents are difficult in a fair amount. Listen Baekhyun, it’s not that I’m defending Chanyeol, alright? but I can understand why he does it.”  
  
“Then why is it? Can you tell me what is happening between my parents and him?”  
  
“I don’t know if I should, it’s not for me to talk about what happened.”  
  
“I’m not a kid Kyungsoo, I can take it.”  
  
“It’s not that I think you can’t take it, but I don’t believe it’s fair for me to get involved in your relationship. If I tell you, I would be taking something you have to work together by yourselves.” As expected of Kyungsoo, but somehow Baekhyun doesn’t feel as annoyed at him as he is with Chanyeol, just a bit.  
  
"You also think it is not a good idea to visit them.”  
  
"No," Kyungsoo deadpans without second thought. "Baek, it’s your choice after all, but _I know you_ , and Chanyeol does too, and you will probably blame yourself after it. I’m pretty sure that’s why he has been keeping them away from you.”  
  
“Alright.”  
  
“... And I also know you will go anyways because you are obstinate. But I would like you to talk with Chanyeol before doing it.”  
  
“He is not here, he left the house,” and Baekhyun won’t go out to look for him. “I don’t know when he will come back and honestly I won’t wait for him to take my own decisions.”  
  
“Don’t be too hard on him. I know he goes overboard sometimes, but he does it because he cares about you. I’m sure he is the one who cares the most about you.”  
  
Overboard is an understatement.  
  
“He has been an asshole.”  
  
“And so are you sometimes, believe me.”  
  
“He is the one that doesn’t fucking listen. Problems scare the shit out of him apparently, and I’m the one that has more.”  
  
“Who isn’t scared of problems anyway?”  
  
“I remember you told me you weren’t defending him, but it definitely sounds like you are.”  
  
“I’m merely trying to help, you practically asked me not to lie and that’s what I’m doing. To fight or ignore each other will take you nowhere.” Baekhyun listens, his mind still with lingering frustration at the man, and Kyungsoo’s words achieve to confuse him more. “He cares for you Baekhyun, but sometimes he is too dull to show it properly. I’m sure that, after thinking about it, he will listen this time, and if he doesn’t, I’m flying directly to Seoul to beat him until he does so, alright?”  
  
“I don’t know if I want him to listen anymore.”  
  
“Guess I’m flying to Seoul to beat you both then,” Kyungsoo chuckles a bit, probably trying to make Baekhyun feel better. When he notices it doesn’t work, he hums. “You won’t lie to me either, right? Don’t you feel some kind of regret there?” He doesn’t wait to hear the answer, because he feels he already knows it. He isn’t wrong, but Baekhyun wishes he was. “I’m not telling you to stay and comply to everything he says. You can move out and do everything you want, but don’t push him away. I’m asking you as both your friend and his.”  
  
Kyungsoo then tells about how he should try and see beyond the problem, about how they should see their own flaws and faults, about how good communication is, and many more things he supposes friends say in similar situations. His words are trying to be soothing, honest and encouraging, Baekhyun will take it, but they are also confusing.  
  
He then adds to his list of realizations that, even if he spends the afternoon denying it, Kyungsoo may be right.  
  
After the latter hangs up ―because he is late for work and waits a day ahead with his boyfriend, no problems whatsoever― Baekhyun’s emotions keep wandering chaotically, mixing until he simply feels plain bad.  
  
It doesn’t matter if he tries to distract himself with a shower, the snacks in the kitchen, Toben or his cellphone, his mood doesn’t change.  
  
With a cold head above his shoulders, everything seems pointless and dull. Talking seems like the obvious option for everyone, even when they didn’t take it since the beginning, and it seems _that_ simple ―to open your mouth and blurt your heart out waiting for the best―, but it’s not and Baekhyun can’t stop wondering why.  
  
It drags him to the living room, where he pretends he isn’t waiting for Chanyeol to show up, but when the entrance door is opened, he feels extremely alleviated.  
  
When he reaches the hall, Chanyeol halts in surprise and whatever Baekhyun had planned to say fades away as soon as he settles his eyes on him. His eyes are reddish at the sides and misty, like he has been crying.  
  
That makes Baekhyun feel ashamed, because he yelled at Chanyeol things that only hurt him instead of helping.  
  
But he was so mad.  
  
“Hey,” Baekhyun blurts softly, his emotions piling up in his throat. It would be easier if Chanyeol eased like any other day ―dropping his shoulders, giving a nervous smile and start talking―, but this time, he stays quiet. “Welcome back.”  
  
There is no yell, no accusation, not even anger in his eyes. This time Baekhyun isn’t sure what he will do next, but he wants to believe Kyungsoo; they will talk, he will listen, everything will be bearable.  
  
“I was out a bit to clear my head, I met Yifan, talked with him and... I didn’t want to storm out like that. Baek, listen, I’m not trying to make me the martyr. I know this is worse for you, but… I’m allowed to be worried, right? It scares me too. All of this.”  
  
“What are you scared of?”  
  
“I’m scared of you not getting your memories back in the way it should happen. Did you think about it?” More than Chanyeol has dared to listen. “What if… what if you change without them? What if you don’t feel that art is for you anymore? What if you don't like Seoul anymore? What if you don't like Toben anymore?”  
  
_‘What if you don’t love me anymore?’_ But Chanyeol doesn’t mouth it.  
  
“Then, why are you so impatient to hide things from me?”  
  
Chanyeol purses his lips in a thin line and silence fills the house once again, but Baekhyun can wait. “I just, I didn’t want you to remember bad things, things that could hurt you. You don’t need to remember those.”  
  
“I do.”  
  
Memories are wholesome, full of events you don’t choose to keep and empty of some you would like to have. Problems aren’t appealing, but they are a part of him and Baekhyun won’t fight against that.  
  
Neither does he expect Chanyeol to understand it.  
  
And that’s alright, they don’t have to agree on everything, just respect the decisions of each other.  
  
“I am sorry for everything,” Chanyeol says when the silence becomes heavy enough for both. “For not listening, for avoiding the things you wanted to talk about, for complicating everything. I just wanted to make this easier for you. I thought I could make it easier for you, and I was wrong.” Chanyeol’s cheeks are starting to heat with pink blush, his eyes looking mistier. It seems like he is going to start crying anytime soon, but Baekhyun isn’t sure of what could he do about it. “I won’t do it again. This time I will listen. ”  
  
“I am sorry too.” Chanyeol seems surprised, trying to reach for him, only to stop midway. Baekhyun can’t stop thinking that he knows, Chanyeol knows he has made up his mind and nothing he says will change it. But he stays there, startled but still and feeble.  
  
Baekhyun won’t reach for him, but won’t push him away either. “I shouldn’t have called you useless or treated you like that when you just wanted to help. You have been supportive and it’s not your fault that we don’t know how to deal with this. I’m baffled too and I thought you were being selfish and careless with no reason whatsoever. But honestly, being overprotective, keeping my parents, or anything else, away like that, isn’t working, it will never work.”  
  
“I know, but they are awful,” Chanyeol slumps his shoulders, too drained to hide behind organized words. “They always reproach you for stupid things. They haven’t support you since high school and they don’t even know about what you have done for the last nine years―”  
  
At least he is being honest, but the statements won’t change Baekhyun’s mind.  
  
“―You were so happy when we came to Seoul for the first time, away from them, away from their closed minds. You shined so bright the day we moved here that I didn’t want you to return there. And I knew, that if I said something, you wouldn’t settle with words only. You would still want to go there.”  
  
“Do you understand why I need to go there?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
“Besides _this_ , things have been getting better since I have arrived in Seoul. I no longer feel lost or anxious like I did in the first weeks and I have memorized a lot of things, enough to come back at my old routine. But memorizing isn’t the same as remembering, and even if I do, it’s not like I feel I’m owning any of this. I… it’s ridiculous.”  
  
“No,” Chanyeol shakes his head and caresses Baekhyun shoulder. “We can’t go back to that, talk to me about it.”  
  
“I feel distant of everything. I want something, anything that can bring me down to earth and make me feel like _this_ is actually _mine_. Maybe meeting my parents is not the best option, maybe it won’t work, but I will try anyway.”  
  
Chanyeol scratches his neck, gazing everywhere except at Baekhyun. But unlike the last weeks, this time he is listening carefully. “At least, let me take you there.”  
  
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.”  
  
Chanyeol raises a hand in his defense, rubbing his eyes with the other one. “I won’t drive you back or get lost on purpose. I will keep quiet and will let you talk with them, or whatever you want to do, in peace.” He crosses his heart with his index and sniffs a bit. “I promise.”  
  
“You are a giant baby,” Baekhyun blurts out like it was the right thing to say. He doesn’t wait for Chanyeol’s reaction, whatever that might be, and he heads to the kitchen for some napkins.  
  
What is he even thinking? Talking like that after they just had a fight, but Chanyeol doesn’t stop sniffing, his cheeks and ears vibrant red. Baekhyun can’t help but give him the napkins and some warm pats on his back.  
  
It comes natural and instinctive, so Baekhyun doesn’t fight it either.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
It happens so fast Baekhyun doesn’t have time to assimilate it. Next thing he knows is that he is running in the cold air of a cloudy evening, running away to no particular place, to get as far from his mistakes and stubbornness as he can.  
  
Or perhaps he does have a destination ―the car parked at the small hotel where Chanyeol was supposed to be waiting for him. It’s around two blocks away, he can arrive as fast as he needs to.  
  
Chanyeol is running behind him, screaming his name with concern. Baekhyun knows it’s a matter of time until he reaches him. Luckily, both will get there just in time to get in and leave this town for good and once for all.  
  
Even in that distance, he has enough time to recall everything that happened, counting every detail that went wrong.  
  
He remembers how Chanyeol accompanied him to his parents’ house, promising he would stay just outside and not at the hotel ―just in case he needed something, as always. Recalls how he sighed with anticipation before knocking on the door of a discolored wood and a familiar scent that made him hopeful. His father, a man who shares the shape of his eyes, opening the door and letting him in, despite his confused expression.  
  
His mother, who looks so similar to him without knowing exactly where, standing up from the living room couch at first glance.  
  
“Why are you here?” his mother asked as his father placed his hands on her shoulders.  
  
Perplexed, Baekhyun couldn’t pinpoint what was exactly going through their minds, their expressions had so much to deliver, but it wasn’t anything good.  
  
Baekhyun should have known, from the moment he stepped inside, from the way his father looked at him, by how his mother didn’t even make an attempt to welcome him. But he rejected the signals and stayed, ready to familiarize himself with them once again.  
  
Words hurt, and the lack of them also do.  
  
It’s like there was a wall between them, wide, without cracks and unbreakable. He has no time to wonder how long it took to build it or when did it even started. There is no visible way to undo it, it’s not the same as what he felt with Chanyeol at one point.  
  
Because it’s not built from kind or good intentions, it’s built of reproach, disappointment, rejection, oppression, selfishness and arrogance.  
  
However, Baekhyun gets what he wanted, solid memories of his parents, with something in between.  
  
_“This isn’t working.” Baekhyun clicks his tongue and runs a hand through his hair, he is tired. “I’m not sure why are we even doing this.”_  
  
From the times where his mom used to sing to him, or when his dad teached him Judo in primary school, to the moment everything started to crush him. From his parents rejecting his dreams of being an artist, to the moment they kicked Chanyeol out of their house as soon as they suspected something was happening.  
  
_“Don’t say that,” Chanyeol caresses his shoulders with a weak smile. “Just, please stay, this one time.”_  
  
From the first time they threw his paintings to the garbage, and the way they would accuse him of being a disappointment at school.  
  
_“I won’t fucking stay,” Baekhyun breaks the contact. “Chanyeol, I have this project scheduled, you knew about it and I won’t stop it just for… I won’t.”_  
  
It would be wonderful if he could just keep the nice memories saved, the laughs of his dad and the kind smile of his mom. The time when he played with his brother or their last pointless, but happy, conversation about school. But he can’t choose that, like he chose to get here.  
  
_“I don’t give a fuck right now. This is the most important thing to me now, nothing will ruin it.” Baekhyun turns around and leaves without a second glance, fully knowing this won’t be the last time._  
  
Baekhyun will never forget, how his parents didn’t move a finger when he started to tear up from the suffocating memories and sensations in the middle of their living room.  
  
Only when he spots the car, their way out of this, he understands that it doesn’t hurt because of the thing he was expecting for. It doesn’t hurt because of his parents per se but because he didn’t achieved what he looked for in the first place.  
  
He feels more distant from everything than ever.  
  
Finally, he gets to the car, out of air and with trembling legs. He tries to gather some air while leaning on the door as Chanyeol catches up.  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t really want to face him, because this experience has been his fault. Chanyeol understands, and he opens the doors for both to get inside and sit in silence.  
  
“I’m tired,” Baekhyun gasps out before holding himself, letting the tears roll out.  
  
“I know.”  
  
And then, he only needs to bent forward to start crying, filling the silence with uncontrollable sobs. It doesn’t last an hour, not even half, but it’s enough to let his throat and eyes dry. Only when he has enough energy to clean away the salt on his cheeks, he realizes Chanyeol is handing him a napkin with one hand, and caressing the back of his neck with the other.  
  
“I am so sorry,” Baekhyun takes the napkin placing it along with his hands over his face. Shame can’t be erased but hopefully it can be covered.  
  
“You shouldn’t be. This is not your fault. They have always been like this Baekhyun, they did this to your brother until he bent… You needed to try, remember? It’s alright if it didn’t worked as planned, we can try again, with something new.” When Baekhyun doesn’t stop, he tries to get as closer as the seats allow him, almost wrapping his arm around him. “I’m sorry Baekhyun, I knew this could happen, I should have gone inside with you.”  
  
“No, Chanyeol. I should be the one apologizing. I feel terrible for how I treated you before going to Japan.” Chanyeol doesn’t hide his surprise, he almost lets go of Baekhyun. “I treated you like if you weren’t important enough and I only cared about these stupid projects. I dismissed your feelings, and here I am accusing you of doing the same, when I actually had no reason to do it in the first place. At least you were trying to help. You even came here, to this hellhole. ”  
  
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol asks warily. “Do you remember everything?”  
  
“No,” he finally has the courage to raise his eyes and faze him. “I only remember some things I said to you, and that it wasn’t the first time.”  
  
“I was being stupid again, don’t apologize. I got jealous of your work, that’s dumb.”  
  
“It isn’t, shut up for once and let me apologize.”  
  
Chanyeol smiles warmly at him, strokes his tired shoulders and starts the engine. “Apology accepted then.”  
  
Baekhyun keeps his eyes closed through the silent ride. After the unpleasant experience, he is too drained to think about more obnoxious panoramas.  
  
Instead, he looks for a positive one, in which his memories will keep coming back little by little, and someday he will get them back fully. They may not be sweet, as just learned, but he will take it. Easier said than done, but after they reach the end of the town, those memories don’t hurt that much.  
  
That wall between his parents and him wasn’t built one-sided after all.  
  
“Are you feeling better?” Chanyeol asks softly, probably in case he has fallen asleep.  
  
“Yes, thank you.”  
  
But this one, between him and Chanyeol, will disappear eventually.  
  
Hopefully, the distant feeling will be gone too, but Baekhyun realizes everything needs to change. He needs to change, because blaming everyone but himself won’t do, worrying way too much about the past instead of moving on won’t either.  
  
Without noticing, he has been going over the same thoughts for hours until they arrive to the house. It’s almost midnight and Chanyeol is already yawning, leaning on the hall wall with sleepy eyes.  
  
“Do you want to eat something?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
“Alright,” Chanyeol is slowly closing his eyes, it seems he may even fall asleep there. “But first thing in the morning, you will eat something good. Just name it and I will get it.”  
  
Perhaps it’s because he is also drowsy, but Baekhyun stays still and quiet, feeling there is something he hasn’t seen in the man. He doesn’t find anything visibly new, but he does remember something. It’s a feeling of being embraced right where he was about to head out, of being hold with such care while facing dark deep eyes full of nothing but pure bliss.  
  
For the split of a second, he feels he would like to give that to Chanyeol. Or at least a trail of it.  
  
“Baekhyun?” Chanyeol opens his eyes and yawns once again. “Are you alright?”  
  
In the hall, with a melancholic sensation lingering in him, he decides he doesn’t want to go after all.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Before being able to complain about it, Baekhyun is sitting in a vegetarian restaurant on a Saturday morning ―the one Kyungsoo spent years trying to convince them to go to. There, next to the window, he can see the sun trying to shine behind some grey clouds and, almost, feel the outside breeze.  
  
With the therapy meetings reduced to only once every two weeks, they are trying to spend more time out ―the purpose being to make Baekhyun more familiar to their old life, as Chanyeol said a few days ago after the _‘episode’_.  
  
Taking a sip of his fresh orange juice, he sends curious glances towards Chanyeol. The latter is sitting in front of him, but too distracted with his phone to notice.  
  
He has been helping Kyungsoo take care of his new dog, the one he was gifted by his boyfriend a week ago.  
  
Although for him, Kyungsoo is more a cat person, he is doing pretty fine with the puppy. Mochi wasn’t the name he was expecting for it either, but it seems he has softened with time; Baekhyun will have to blame Jongin for that.  
  
“So how is Mochi?” Baekhyun asks, trying to make conversation. Just a question will do, it always does with Chanyeol.  
  
“He is perfect,” Chanyeol smiles at his phone. “With his cute little brown ears, and his tiny black nose and his mini paws. He just ripped some of Soo’s papers, but I swear he is an angel. I want to cuddle him and protect him from any harm.” Baekhyun has seen the puppy, pretty similar to Toben in his opinion, just cinnamon brown instead of jet black. Fairly sure, Chanyeol would react in the same way with anything that is small and soft. “He is so cute, I want another dog, we should have another one."  
  
Baekhyun will try to ignore that, Toben has enough energy for both and another dog will have to wait. Besides, even after two weeks since they finally got to an agreement, it still takes a bit of rest and self-aware for Baekhyun to go outside and try whatever he had in mind a day ago.  
  
It’s not as negative as it sounds. The house has been the peaceful place he needs, there are no more discussions, no lies and Chanyeol is finally listening, slowly letting his overprotective persona aside.  
  
_Slowly_ , but that is how _everything_ goes, even mending. It takes time, it’s quiet, sluggish, and sometimes it still vexes Baekhyun’s impatient persona.  
  
_‘But it’s alright, everything it’s going to be fine’_ Baekhyun can almost hear Chanyeol saying to him, with that giddy smile of his. It won’t erase what was said or done, neither will solve all the problems, but it eases things for them.  
  
“Right, first you bring me here and then you want a dog,” Baekhyun replies after noticing Chanyeol’s expectancy won’t fade away by just ignoring it.  
  
“I brought you here because Kyungsoo said so,” Chanyeol doesn’t hide his disappointment but shrugs, meaning he will keep trying.  
  
“Kyungsoo also said that you should lend me _my_ car, but I don’t see the keys inside my pockets yet.”  
  
“You aren’t ready to drive yet, you have to retake classes first.” Chanyeol stuffs his mouth with risotto, humming at the flavor. “We should have listened to Kyungsoo earlier, _this_ is amazing.”  
  
“It doesn’t have meat at all,” Baekhyun whispers to himself, examining the salad he hasn’t tasted with his cutlery.  
  
“Eat already, it’s not as bad as you think. Besides, I brought you here for a reason.” That statement catches Baekhyun’s attention, making him wait patiently until Chanyeol chugs everything down with a sole glass of water. “I was thinking about what you told me, feeling distant and how we agreed on trying different things to fix that―”  
  
His tone is lower but serene and still, no longer tiptoeing over Baekhyun’s emotions like before.  
  
“―We have tried a lot of things these weeks, well, maybe not that much―”  
  
Because Baekhyun has been slightly bitter about it, specially in the mornings. Yet, Chanyeol doesn’t reproach him for it.  
  
“―And it occurred to me, that maybe we have to focus on it differently. _Maybe_ we need to try _different_ things, or _redo_ some ones, but in a _different_ way.”  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t need to listen further to know that Chanyeol is hinting to change, the type of change he was expecting but haven’t faced yet. Chanyeol is even implying to start over again and that could make things worse for him to cope up with. There is still that jittery feeling when trying things that were supposed to be familiar in the first place, trying new ones would not resolve that.  
  
It makes Baekhyun uneasy, but he is reminded that worrying about it too much won’t help either.  
  
“Do you think that would help?”  
  
“We could try,” Chanyeol smiles warmly. “Maybe it won’t, but if it doesn’t, we will move on to the next plan. To whatever we can come up with.”  
  
Baekhyun stays silent and reluctant, distracting himself by mixing the salad with his fork. Sudden silences are still common, but nothing that he can’t handle.  
  
“By the way, that salad has pickles,” Chanyeol says when the silence stretches enough to discommode both.  
  
Baekhyun raises an eyebrow without knowing what exactly Chanyeol means but starts eating. When he bites what he guesses is a pickle, everything makes sense ―the taste is bitter and disgusting. Baekhyun throws it to his napkin and tries to drown the flavor with his drink the fastest he can.  
  
Then, Chanyeol laughs ―more like roars, claps his hands and leans until his head almost hits the table. Baekhyun doesn’t find it that hilarious, even if the positions were changed.  
  
He puffs, cleaning the corner of his lips with a napkin before throwing it to Chanyeol.  
  
“Next time, a warning before ordering would be nice,” Baekhyun eyes him vexed when the flavor keeps lingering at the tip of his tongue. Then, he carves his plate to place the unwanted vegetables on Chanyeol’s dish.  
  
“I am sorry, but I had to watch that expression once again,” Chanyeol receives the pickles, eating them without a second thought.  
  
Baekhyun hates him, just a bit.  
  
But for the next hour, he can barely focus in finding a weak point of the other to plan revenge. Instead, he listens to everything that Chanyeol apparently has been saving for a quiet day like this. It’s nothing important or something worth remembering, apparently. However, it’s nonchalant and easy to keep on.  
  
Both have stopped being so dense and it’s not that Baekhyun feels like boycotting every peaceful moment they share, but it makes him eager to talk about the things that stayed unsolved.  
  
There are many ―surely Chanyeol has saved some too―, but they will have to sprout slowly too, one by one.  
  
“I will go back to work on Monday. I can’t draw yet, but there is more that I can do there, right?”  
  
It takes Chanyeol by surprise first, but soon enough he is nodding slowly. He stretches his arms and groans, looking a bit gloomy. “I was thinking it’s about time too. I’m going to miss you, though.”  
  
“I’m not going anywhere yet, _though_.”  
  
“I know,” Chanyeol scratches the back of his neck and looks anywhere but Baekhyun. “I’m just a bit worried, that’s all. Don’t mind me.”  
  
Chanyeol still carries the remainings of the distress about what happened back before his travel to Japan. Baekhyun can’t blame him when he still feels regretful about it, but both can work on that too.  
  
“It’s alright,” Baekhyun finds himself saying, with that positive and mild tone Chanyeol loves to use.  
  
He receives a smile, unable to stop the thought that this is like it should have been since the beginning ―slightly stiff and blunty, a bit shy even, but sincere and brimming of warm and care.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Chanyeol tends to spend the afternoons in his room playing guitar.  
  
According to him, it’s nothing special, it’s barely a hobby for an amateur. But for Baekhyun, that’s a shameless lie. Even though the accords may swap between precise and clumsy, the music it’s pretty nice.  
  
Baekhyun likes to carry Toben to the guest room to keep him company. It's slightly awkward at first, Chanyeol even trips a chord or two when he realizes Baekhyun is there to stay. However, eventually it becomes an afternoon routine.  
  
He can be on his phone, reading, or just sitting still, but he will always listen to whatever melody Chanyeol comes up with.  
  
There are days, specially the firsts back at work, where it’s the perfect appeasement.  
  
Yixing will always be moving, blabbering about the different projects he has postponed and reproaching Baekhyun for being so secretive about his work, keeping information that could have help him carry on with the projects. Even so, he takes the time to ask about his health ―when he remembers what this is all about― and helps in everything he needs to work properly again.  
  
Which is difficult, considering the amount of attention his work demands due his days off.  
  
Coming back to it does wonders to his mood and memory, but there will be always days too heavy, too fast, too confusing. Nevertheless, those can be soften by Chanyeol’s guitar in the afternoon.  
  
“It’s because you love music,” Chanyeol says and Baekhyun is starting to feel it.  
  
That’s the first habit they build.  
  
The ones that follow, are easier to settle. From the small walks with Toben to Chanyeol’s work, to the organization of their schedules that, after some weeks, falls into the old ways, or at least that’s what Chanyeol says.  
  
Baekhyun still doesn’t remember even the half of what he should, and with everything that needs to be done, it’s getting harder to try different things between the weeks, but Chanyeol is always waiting for the weekends ― with a big smile and the front door open.  
  
Chanyeol is so easily influenced, it merely takes two tries to agree to Baekhyun’s demands. Or perhaps he is solely trying too hard to avoid being pushy himself ―Baekhyun knows how hard it can be to find a middle ground.  
  
Either way, Baekhyun finds Chanyeol teaching him how to drive one weekend, just to drive him all over the city to deliver an old portfolio in the next week, something that the latter did not mind to do.  
  
“Stop taking advantage of him,” Kyungsoo reproaches Baekhyun with that characteristic stern voice that hits the spot where Baekhyun starts feeling guilty.  
  
But Baekhyun isn’t taking advantage of him, he sees Chanyeol looking eager enough to follow him around without complaints after a month of asking for ‘favors’.  
  
“He is doing everything he can for this to get better, you should do the same.”  
  
“I’m trying too,” Baekhyun sighs and leans on his desk chair. “Why is it that you always nag only me?”  
  
“That isn’t true, but lately you are being kind of a jerk.” Baekhyun can hear Jongin’s giggle at the background. Just before he can ask Kyungsoo to send Jongin to hell, he realizes the latter may be right.  
  
Mood swings are still common too, despite Baekhyun’s efforts to appease them.  
  
He is trying, it just happens that Kyungsoo can’t see it.  
  
But Chanyeol can, thus he is always encouraging and supportive, constantly helping, comforting and smiling.  
  
Baekhyun does feel guilty now, but a month and half ago change looked so easy ―inside the car, leaving bad memories behind along the road, with Chanyeol driving slowly and humming Coldplay songs.  
  
It’s a shame that it isn’t, at all. However, Baekhyun shouldn’t stop trying.  
  
“I guess you are right.”  
  
The line stays silent for some seconds before Kyungsoo’s voice comes back. “Well, that’s something. How mature of you.”  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“ _And_ it’s gone,” Kyungsoo chuckles. “Don’t be too hard on him, alright?”  
  
Baekhyun has heard that so more times, just how hard he has been on Chanyeol, that even he agrees with it.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
It starts on a Sunday morning, after Chanyeol takes him to buy some art supplies ―those he is still unable to use but promised Yixing he would keep trying.  
  
He has woken up late, even for a weekend morning.  
  
As he lays on his back on the bed, he goes through the daily routine of staring at the ceiling until he feels like starting to move. It usually takes some minutes, five at much and still decreasing with passing weeks. However this time, between seconds, he graps in the feeling that something is missing in the room.  
  
It’s not really an obtrusive feeling, but it serves to take him out of the room. The hall is empty and the guest room is too quiet. Chanyeol must be still sleeping after the hours they spent traveling here and there to get the supplies.  
  
He needs to get breakfast, but remains at the kitchen frame when he finds Chanyeol fidgeting in front of the fridge with Toben biting the bottom of his joggers.  
  
Before Baekhyun can say anything, Chanyeol closes the fridge door with a milk carton in hand and crouches to Toben’s level. He looks truly sluggish and tired, he even yawns at the dog and almost fails at caressing his little head.  
  
“Ah, Toben,” he says placing a menacing finger on the tip of the dog’s nose, giving it two small taps. His voice is austere but still playful, almost as if talking to a kid. “You must never, ever, leave the fridge door open, things can get nasty inside if you do so, understood?”  
  
There is no answer, but Chanyeol still smiles drowsy and pats Toben’s head. “Good boy.”  
  
Then he lets the milk carton aside and caresses the dog’s ears before hugging his small frame. His cheek brushes the dog’s head really tender until Baekhyun feels like being embraced too.  
  
“Who is a good boy? Is it you? Yes, you are.”  
  
It’s a pretty view, Chanyeol looking messy and about to fall asleep on the floor but, at the same time, so caring and loving.  
  
That is his persona, that is how he carries himself, even if sometimes Baekhyun has a hard time remembering it.  
  
Indeed, Baekhyun has been hard on him, on someone that gentle.  
  
He is about to retreat when Chanyeol raises his gaze up and realizes his presence. Without releasing Toben, he stands up flustered and slightly ashamed, just as Baekhyun should be feeling for staring.  
  
“Baek,” Chanyeol is always good to break small silences. “Good morning, I didn’t see you there.” He turns to the almost forgotten milk carton on the floor and then to the table and to Baekhyun again. “Um… want to have cereal for breakfast?”  
  
Baekhyun smiles and nods, but it’s not forced, planned or bitter this time.  
  
It takes Chanyeol by surprise ―his reddened cheeks say so―, but he doesn’t say anything else before smiling back and reaching for the cereal box at the top of the fridge.  
  
It seems meaningless like a seemingless interaction, even for Baekhyun, but he keeps spinning around the matter the whole morning.  
  
While Chanyeol eats his cereal, playing with Toben on his lap, Baekhyun glances at him every minute ―he has enough time to scrutinize Chanyeol and avoid being caught staring again.  
  
If Chanyeol notices, he doesn’t shows it, probably because he loves to be nice to him.  
  
And Baekhyun only wants to be nice back and make things easier. Likewise, at the end of the day, being nice feels better than being bitter, even if it takes a bit more effort at the beginning.  
  
Everything asks for further effort lately, and that’s alright, Baekhyun will take it. He can’t cling onto Chanyeol for it, because he won’t solve all his problems. Fairly enough, he won’t solve Chanyeol’s either. But both can help each other and find a middle ground together.  
  
“Here, this weird mixture that has no shape whatsoever for you,” Baekhyun says handing Chanyeol his ice cream in a cup before taking a seat in front of him with his in hand. Honestly, Baekhyun expected more than ice cream when Chanyeol said he had a surprise, but he remembers himself to not be sour about it. “And Strawberry for me.”  
  
“It’s called Shooting Star.” Chanyeol replies before tasting his first scoop of ice cream, his sleepy state already faded away. “Way better than simple strawberry by the way. Do you want to taste it?”  
  
Baekhyun agrees, stretching his hand to take the cup as Chanyeol draws his spoon with a far amount of ice cream near to Baekhyun’s mouth.  
  
Needless to say, Chanyeol’s cheeks flush in embarrassment ―an unintentional habit that is getting more frequent lately. There is no need for him to be embarrassed, so Baekhyun doesn’t mind it and takes the spoonful tasting the ice cream.  
  
“Definitely not better than strawberry.”  
  
Chanyeol looks like he is about to start cooing at any minute. Nonetheless, he merely purses his lips in a thin line and returns his focus to his cup.  
  
“How cute,” Baekhyun thinks he hears him whispering before he stuffs his mouth with the biggest spoonful of ice cream he can.  
  
Now that Baekhyun notices it, Chanyeol is indeed way taller and bigger than him —he never stopped to truly think about it.  
  
But it wouldn’t matter if he was a ten foot giant, he would never be intimidating. For the way he hums and smiles just by eating an ice cream, no one would even think he is a 26 years old man.  
  
And then, with no trace of the previous embarrassment, he starts to sweet talk to Toben once again, blowing small and fast kisses to him.  
  
“I’m so sorry Toben, you can’t have ice cream. I know, I know, but I will get you something delicious for tomorrow.”  
  
The dog barely needs to tilt his head to a side for Chanyeol to coo and kiss his head.  
  
The feeling comes from nowhere, but because Chanyeol is so easily to please, Baekhyun wants to try it too.  
  
“Do you want to taste mine?” Baekhyun says without thinking, already stretching his arm with the spoonful of strawberry ice cream towards Chanyeol.  
  
Chanyeol is fast to take the spoonful before Baekhyun has enough time to retract. He smiles slightly with the spoon in his mouth before pulling back with a grin from ear to ear.  
  
Whatever he may be thinking in that moment, Baekhyun doesn’t feel like knowing.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
There are a lot of things to do when following Chanyeol around.  
  
When he is cheerful, it seems his energy and charisma are inexhaustible; there is no way for him to stay silent or still either.  
  
Just then, with Chanyeol going here and there without rest, Baekhyun realizes of how much he needed to go out and try those new things.  
  
They don’t bring back old memories as Baekhyun predicted, but they create new ones that serve as distraction and soothing.  
  
Chanyeol is not only the kind and clumsy two-dimensional person Baekhyun had always seen. He was sure about that, but too self-absorbed to notice further than that.  
  
To say he is hilarious would inflate his ego, thus Baekhyun will keep it to himself. Also he will keep other traits such as polite, generous, easygoing and always going an extra mile for Baekhyun.  
  
It’s almost absurd how many good things Baekhyun can notice in him, after spending so much time just pointing his flaws. But even besides those flaws, there are also good points. Baekhyun has been so wrong, to mistake his fear, positivism and care with arrogance.  
  
However, he can also be overwhelming and too fervent to the point Baekhyun would get exhausted. Chanyeol insists that Baekhyun smiles harder than him, talks even more and has twice his energy, but the latter wouldn’t be that sure about it.  
  
Even when the roles change again, and Chanyeol is the one trailing behind Baekhyun, he is still the one that brings the stamina.  
  
He also loves to have night rendezvous, following Baekhyun’s steps and taking pictures of almost everything that moves. As Baekhyun tries to please him from time to time, he discovers his smallest actions have the fairest reactions. Thus, he can take a picture of both or say a joke in the middle of their way and Chanyeol would smile the brightest and caress his shoulders.  
  
It’s nice to see him smiling because of him.  
  
“I just can’t believe you don’t want to try bowling yet,” Chanyeol complains while he takes a look at Baekhyun’s old works in one of his portfolios. He is leaning on the wall next to the door at his office ―supposedly there to be ready to go as soon as he gets an urgent call from work.  
  
On the other side of the office, Baekhyun is trying hard to find the samples he is supposed to deliver to Yixing in half an hour at the top shelfs.  
  
“I already told you that I feel like I will start drawing soon and―”  
  
“How soon exactly?”  
  
“Like any minute.”  
  
“Whatever you say,” Chanyeol shrugs playfully disinterested.  
  
“I’m serious though, I don’t want to break my fingers.”  
  
Chanyeol blows a raspberry childishly before walking towards him, reaching the last portfolio at the top for Baekhyun. “That’s ridiculous, you won’t break your fingers. Besides, I told you I would teach you, there is nothing to fear.”  
  
“Oh no,” Baekhyun chuckles while leafs through the new works. “That’s why I’m actually afraid of.”  
  
“Your loss then.”  
  
Baekhyun is not distracted enough to not realize Chanyeol stays there, right next to him and staring at him almost without blinking.  
  
It’s not the first time it happens, Baekhyun recalls nights when Chanyeol has been doing the same, not so discreetly, including the first ones where he would feel incredibly at loss about it.  
  
But the staring isn’t what brings Baekhyun uneasiness, but the sense that he wants to say something.  
  
The huge chemistry they have with each other is something that doesn’t go unnoticed; it even seems to tie and draw them together.  
  
For Baekhyun, it’s nothing that starts romantically per se, but it feels right enough to let himself be pulled.  
  
But for Chanyeol, it’s something different and it makes Baekhyun jittery when he recognizes it in his eyes.  
  
This time, there is no way to avoid the situation. As soon as Baekhyun raises his eyes, Chanyeol takes a step back to give him enough space and takes a deep breathe.  
  
He is shaky, Baekhyun can tell from the way he bites his lips and scratches the back of his neck. Even though his shoulders are slumped, making his frame look smaller, his presence still fills the room.  
  
“Baekhyun.” His eyes are full of sincerity and eagerness, and so is his voice. “I want you.”  
  
Both know that stronger feelings exist somewhere within those words, but Chanyeol doesn’t mention them.  
  
“I’m not trying to push you, alright? I just wanted to let you know because I can’t keep pretending I feel nothing.” The way his tone shifts between secure and unsure, makes Baekhyun reflect his nervousness. “I’m sorry, I just can’t get out of my head that it feels like there is something between you and me that doesn’t let me reach you in that way. I’m going back and forth from feeling that maybe we can have our relationship again.”  
  
Baekhyun knows how he has put those feelings under the surface, because the fact that he can return Chanyeol’s is unclear. Every time he is reminded of the actual relationship they hold, he brushes it away.  
  
Those emotions are intimidating.  
  
Even if both are getting along in a comfortable way, to develop anything further could complicate everything again. Baekhyun may feel at ease, but with the distant feeling still at the back of his mind ―including all those bad traits the lack of his memory is developing in him― he isn’t confident enough to try it. He isn’t ready for them, and may not be for a long time.  
  
But Chanyeol is still there, trying to prove him wrong.  
  
“I know you may not feel in the best position to start something, but I will wait patiently, so please consider letting me in.”  
  
His cheeks are vibrant pink, so are his ears and the exposed skin of his neck. It’s as closer to a confession as Baekhyun would expect. However, he never expected it, leaving him out of words.  
  
Baekhyun has been there before, he feels it as another deja vu.  
  
“And please, don’t leave.” The last part comes almost as a whisper.  
  
What disconcerts Baekhyun is not the fact that, after all these months, Chanyeol still thinks he is merely adjusting and will leave at first chance as he had promised once, but the realization that leaving Chanyeol is not an option, no matter the circumstances.  
  
He doesn’t want that, at all. The sole thought is dreary.  
  
“Have a nice day,” Chanyeol blurts before getting out of the office, embarrassed and clumsy enough to trip after leaving. It’s what he usually does when Baekhyun stays unbearably silent, because he tends to be afraid he did something wrong.  
  
As soon as he is gone, the room feels significantly empty. A certain weight falls over Baekhyun’s shoulders, it’s airy but certainly obtrusive, making him unable to focus again on his work.  
  
Perplexed, he makes the last effort to find those samples. When he does, he is fast to leave them on Yixing’s desk, along with a small note about him going home early.  
  
Chanyeol’s words are repeating in his mind over and over again until he arrives _home_ , where he recognizes that, while he still feels confused, he can’t ignore those feelings like he used to. It wouldn’t be fair.  
  
However, to fathom where exactly does he stands in-between them is hard to grasp. It doesn’t matter how much he thinks about it, he can’t focus on a single emotion that he may feel for Chanyeol.  
  
There must be more than just obvious gratitude and newfound closeness. Surely he has felt them before, but now it’s hard to name them.  
  
Unable to get anywhere, he roams around the house trying to focus, with Toben trailing playful from behind. It’s ridiculous, but Baekhyun can surely name five emotions towards the dog, at least, and without making it a dilemma.  
  
Nothing seems to help, but when he arrives to the main room, there is an itching feeling that won’t leave him alone and keeps him in place.  
  
The walls need a different color.  
  
He can’t stop himself when the first light blue strokes land on their surface. It’s an oddly but soothing feeling that increases with the more he fills the walls.  
  
It’s a slow pace, in which he can ponder in calm and silence. There are too many things in his mind to work out, but he should stop worrying out of the blue for some if he wants to start solving them. It has worked until now, even when he forgets about it.  
  
This may not be the same as painting a canvas, since it's just a wall with no shapes or purpose whatsoever, and even incomplete due the lack of stairs, but the feeling it’s familiar and steady.  
  
“Um.”  
  
He is so lost in this feelings that he flinches when he hears Chanyeol at his back, the clock and place forgotten.  
  
Chanyeol looks confused and keeps turning from side to side. Just then, Baekhyun acknowledges he is at the half of the third wall, with the other two incomplete at the corners and top. It’s a shamble, even is his strokes are almost perfectly parallel.  
  
He is embarrassed, heat creeping on his cheeks as he waits for Chanyeol to do something else instead of staring.  
  
Not really unusual for Chanyeol, he merely hums, takes off his white coat and takes another brush, dipping it in the painting.  
  
“The floor has so many stains now,” he snickers. Baekhyun will have a hard time cleaning those up.  
  
But Chanyeol doesn’t look angry at all, instead he silently goes for the places where Baekhyun couldn't reach and starts painting.  
  
“I like this color by the way, it brings out my eyes.”  
  
Baekhyun rolls his eyes and gives him a small punch on the shoulder before returning to work.  
  
They paint in one of the most comfortable silences Baekhyun has ever found. When the room is finished, Baekhyun notices Chanyeol looking at him cheerfully, as like having something in mind.  
  
Next thing Baekhyun knows, Chanyeol is holding his old wooden trippy with a white canvas in front of him. He adjusts it, places a chair in front of it and a table at his side, for the watercolors and smaller brushes.  
  
Actually, he hasn’t tried to use it again, even if he has promised Yixing he would. Inside his new portfolio, there are only unfinished drabbles that get to nowhere and few remade samples that doesn’t have the same feeling.  
  
“Come on,” Chanyeol says tapping the chair for him to sit.  
  
This time, when Baekhyun sits in front ot the canvas, it doesn’t weigh on him as before. Unlike the last time, when his mind felt too crowded and helpless, no anxious feelings get behind him.  
  
With a clear, serene and even enthusiastic mood, he doesn’t need to depict what he should paint when he is already brushing the canvas.  
  
It’s a slow pace, in which his hand movements are natural and smooth, foreseeing exactly what he will do next. Furthermore, the surroundings couldn't care less, when he finds he can truly focus on something without invasive or nosy feelings wandering in his mind.  
  
Outlandish how Baekhyun could forget such placid feeling.  
  
The result is a simple painting of a mirrored skyline, with rough undetailed buildings and a night sky that blends into the clear morning one at the bottom. Both sides shimmer with glints in scattered around the canvas.  
  
Baekhyun takes his time to observe it, to scrutinize it and beam over the way all the elements meld harmoniously.  
  
It looks good, but it means greater.  
  
There is something in the painting ―which withal is not a masterpiece but full of flaws― that feels utterly dear and close. While it alone makes him feel an attachment towards it, everything else starts to have the same response, like a domino effect.  
  
He can only simper at the overwhelming situation which fills the room, running his hands through his hair as he takes the mixture of feelings overflowing inside him.  
  
Just then, he seeks for Chanyeol, because he wants to share it.  
  
The man is sitting right there on the floor with his attention glued on his phone. Who knows how long Baekhyun spent painting meanwhile Chanyeol waited in the same place.  
  
Chanyeol would always wait, but seems unfair to leave him hanging there after how much he has helped.  
  
Baekhyun clears his throat to call for his attention, which he receives faster than expected. It looks like Chanyeol also lost the track of time, but is soon turning towards the painting.  
  
“So pretty,” he beams and Baekhyun can’t ignore he never liked a smile more.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Being able to paint and sketch like before seems to make a lot of things take their place again.  
  
Slowly, the samples start to take their form in the portfolios, just as new projects start to be designed. Meanwhile Baekhyun feels cheerful, a bit nervous but overall expectant about it, Yixing looks like the most overjoyed of them.  
  
Baekhyun believes he recalls the first time when Yixing laid his eyes on his artwork.  
  
“A bit sloppy and harsh in the end but promising. I like it,” he said dry handing a business card but it made Baekhyun the happiest at that time.  
  
Now that he ponders about it, he never changed the harsh strokes he only made them abstract, but Yixing stopped minding.  
  
His enthusiasm to do what he loves is an important piece in the puzzle, and the first to fit.  
  
As Baekhyun keeps with it, the therapy, his daily routine and an advocated rule of not stepping back, more pieces start to fit too. It’s still not the easiest thing to do, but works better than before.  
  
He has done so good lately with every aspect of his life, meaning painting, his job, his friends and even his energy and memory.  
  
However, there is one part that doesn't fit yet, in which Baekhyun remains unsure.  
  
It’s not that a relationship with Chanyeol may be impossible.  
  
It’s not that he doesn’t feel trails of care towards him.  
  
It’s the fact that he may not find the line between gratitude and care, or where he may even stand, what keeps him hesitant.  
  
Baekhyun has hurt Chanyeol before and he doesn’t want to do it again.  
  
It wouldn’t be right when, with Chanyeol, he never had to be alone, even when he felt he was. Chanyeol has gone through all of this with him and without being sure if Baekhyun would love him like before.  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t want to mess up and finish everything in the worst possible way. Even if it was supposed to never end in the first place.  
  
He has spent months longing for real feelings, stucked back and forth confusing and mixing feelings; perhaps he is still doing it.  
  
But if one thing is sure about them, it’s that Baekhyun won’t go anywhere without him.  
  
As he had told Chanyeol, but in less compromising words.  
  
In Chanyeol’s witty fashion, the fact that he won’t leave, demands to be celebrated with a surprise.  
  
A movie night doesn’t really counts as a surprise, but whatever, Baekhyun has found joy in those small things.  
  
From an animated movie about a bunny and a fox, to a school of rock, to the beginning of a marathon about a young wizard, Baekhyun watches everything that Chanyeol can come up with, seating next to him on the couch in the living room.  
  
Chanyeol loves skinship, Baekhyun already knew from the way he would always search for his back, head or shoulders when being close enough. He has find that, some days, he is trying to go for a morning hug, but stops midway in a really awkward position.  
  
Baekhyun wouldn’t mind, honestly. But he can’t even think about asking for a hug without feeling embarrassed.  
  
This close, every time Chanyeol laughs, it means he would either curl up towards Baekhyun or hit his arm playfully. Every time he gets excited ―that is a lot― he would shake his shoulder to pass on his frenzy. Furthermore, even at scenes where he could be still, he would caress Baekhyun’s head in between.  
  
Baekhyun couldn’t care less, as he has found he also tends to get touchy when he gets excited. Although, he will think before act the next time he laughs caressing Chanyeol’s knee so the latter doesn’t choke over his soda again.  
  
It reminds him of when they used to watch movies in high school. Even though in those days, Kyungsoo would be there too, to yell at them every time they would get too noisy ―meaning the movies couldn’t be heard for the most parts.  
  
But Kyungsoo took the movies too serious, in Baekhyun’s opinion.  
  
In between, Baekhyun also finds out that, actually, he is the noisy one, who is screaming and joking around at almost all the movies. To be fair, he is the one that starts talking and Chanyeol the one that follows his lead, laughing at anything he says, even his cringiest imitations.  
  
It’s almost four in the morning and Baekhyun’s eyelids are already heavy at the beginning of the wizard movie, that one with a lady that flies away to the sky, in which Baekhyun laughed off his last remainings of stamina.  
  
Chanyeol is already sleeping, too many imitations of spells with the chopsticks of his Chinese food had leave him fatigued.  
  
Baekhyun curls up with a cushion in arms on one side of the couch. Perhaps he should wake Chanyeol so both can go upstairs, as the couch is too small for them to sleep there. But he needs to recover energy back, thus he closes his eyes to do so.  
  
His drowsy state doesn’t let him know what happens for the next minutes.  
  
“Come on Baek,” he hears Chanyeol suddenly whispering while shaking his shoulder softly. “You need to go to bed.”  
  
He would stay there, but his neck is starting to hurt from the position. Thus, he lets himself be holded by Chanyeol, who leads him towards the room. He assures Baekhyun is lying properly in bed before turning off the lamp on the nightstand.  
  
Baekhyun can see Chanyeol’s silhouette move in the dark, lazily taking a pillow for himself.  
  
He is leaving, but Baekhyun doesn’t want that.  
  
“Don’t,” he reaches for Chanyeol’s wrist, his skin is really soft in that area. “Stay with me.”  
  
Chanyeol doesn’t move at all for some seconds. Then, he sits on the bed where Baekhyun has made him space.  
  
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
Baekhyun is too sleepy to keep talking but tugs Chanyeol’s wrist until he lies next to him, almost at the end of the left side of the bed ― to leave enough space between them.  
  
“You know Baek?” It’s the last thing Baekhyun hears before falling deeply asleep. “Maybe we are doing it right this time.”  
  
In the following morning, there is cotton fabric tickling his nose and certain weight over his left shoulder. However, it’s a really comfy place, in which he feels embraced, secured and peaceful. The warmth and fondness running his body make him nuzzle into something hard but soft at the same time.  
  
It moves, and beats.  
  
Then, he starts hearing small noises next to him, it’s _definitely not_ his own breathing.  
  
When he tries to move, he realizes he is being held, with an arm circling his frame and another under his cheek. It doesn’t take long to get all his senses back and understand that he is entangled with Chanyeol.  
  
He is hugging Chanyeol’s waist, meanwhile the other is keeping him close to his chest.  
  
It’s cozy and alluring, but he needs to move.  
  
When he tries to look up, he finds Chanyeol’s sleeping face incredibly closer, apparently he slept with Baekhyun’s head as a cushion.  
  
Baekhyun wishes for him to be dreaming deeply, so he doesn’t react at all when he tries to break the embrace in a slowly pace. From the way Chanyeol’s whole body is heavy and difficult to move, he is indeed fast asleep.  
  
The biggest pillow Baekhyun has works as his temporary replacement in Chanyeol’s arms, but at least serves for the other to keep snoring. Now Baekhyun lies over his back, looking at him.  
  
There was something Chanyeol told him yesterday that Baekhyun can’t let go.  
  
It’s unsure if Chanyeol is right anyhow, because it hasn't been easy for Baekhyun to let the last wall down.  
  
But it doesn’t matter how many times he tries to push himself back, there is only one thing clear for him: Chanyeol wants to be closer.  
  
And he wants it too, even if he doesn’t know exactly how.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
“I think we should bring a different color scheme for these samples.”  
  
It’s Saturday midday when Yixing is driving them both to the office after printing some samples for the week ahead. It’s going to be a pretty busy one.  
  
Baekhyun should be anticipating it, but instead he smiles at the third picture of a dog Chanyeol has sent until now. The idea of having another dog hasn’t left his mind since Mochi and now he is eager enough to start picking a breed.  
  
“They asked us a portfolio more open to unique mixtures, not the usual contrast of warm and cold they usually ask for―”  
  
Chanyeol can be pretty persuasive if he wishes to. Although, from what Baekhyun remembers, that’s a trait he didn’t have back in their highschool days. It’s probably another thing he learned from Baekhyun, much to the latter’s dismay.  
  
“―But I guess everything I say is less important than whatever is happening inside your pants at the moment―”  
  
If Baekhyun needs to choose, he would pick either a Welsh Corgi or Toben’s breed. He is sure two poodles would make a cute pair and he can already imagine Chanyeol squealing at them as a teenager.  
  
“―I mean I’m glad that you look happier lately, but I need your attention here, you know?―”  
  
Baekhyun will definitely go for the Welsh Corgi.  
  
“Baekhyun!” Yixing raises his voice making him jump in place. His expression is stern and honestly a bit scary but softens as soon as notices Baekhyun’s attention on him. “We have a project to deliver next month and a busy week coming, remember?”  
  
“If it’s for the next month, we don’t really have to worry about it now, right? We have half of the portfolio ready and old samples that fit in it.” Baekhyun shrugs, he is about to text Chanyeol again when he notices Yixing looks serious. “Don’t worry, next week will be good too.”  
  
When he smiles, Yixing sighs and leans back in his chair more relaxed.  
  
“Forget it. Just add around ten new samples and have that portfolio ready for a week before the deadline, or else I’ll cancel your next trip to Japan.”  
  
“Do I have a trip to Japan?” Baekhyun asks excited; the few memories he has from there has left him craving to go again.  
  
“Next year.”  
  
“Way to kill the excitement you have there,” Baekhyun is about to keep complaining, but he receives another text from Chanyeol asking how much longer he will take to get back home. “Um... are we doing much in the office today?”  
  
Yixing seems surprised by the question and looks at him hesitant. “Why?”  
  
“I was thinking maybe I could skip the day.”  
  
“That’s odd of you,” Yixing replies but still changes their direction, heading for Baekhyun’s house. “But just for today since it seems your mind won’t be here if I need it. Next week is full time though.”  
  
The feeling of being with Chanyeol ―whatever it actually means― is something that hits him in the less expected moments but can’t fight anymore. It’s a mixture of emotions such as enthusiasm, glee and a bit of nervousness.  
  
Meanwhile the worries are still at the back of his mind, he has found it’s more rewarding to give in rather than avoiding it entirely.  
  
He can draw limits, but he can’t avoid acting upon it. When he realises what he’s doing, it’s too late to regret it but still in time to mend it.  
  
As soon as Yixing parks in front of his house and drops him there, the usual and expectant warmth that lately comes when he is about to see Chanyeol, is there again.  
  
“Did you slept during the meeting or…?” Chanyeol teases as soon as Baekhyun enters the living room. Considering he woke up late and needed to meet Yixing in half an hour, his hair must be still a bed-mess.  
  
“Shut up,” Baekhyun pushes him playfully, but Chanyeol, being as giant as he is, still reaches to caress his head and brush his hair with his large fingers.  
  
“Someone is getting his energy back,” he says before going to get Toben for their Saturday walks, just another old habit which Baekhyun finds incredibly entertaining. Specially when the dog has more energy than Chanyeol and the latter has to chase him around the park.  
  
Chanyeol reappears with Toben in his arms. He always coddles him too much, hugging, spoiling and complimenting him for the smallest things he does.  
  
It’s cute to see, but cloying after a while.  
  
“Alright, enough.” Baekhyun says taking the dog from Chanyeol’s arms and placing it on the floor to adjust his belt. “Toben won’t stop being a puppy if you keep treating him like one.”  
  
“Toben is a puppy, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol complains. “Puppies love to be pampered and hugged.”  
  
Baekhyun is about to reply, but when he straightens his back and faces Chanyeol, who still beams of tenderness and warm, he stays mute.  
  
He is right there, next to him looking at the small dog with a candid smile and cooing. It would be so easy for Baekhyun to get closer and snuggle between his arms.  
  
He would fit perfectly, circling his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and holding him closer.  
  
Chanyeol would pamper him with love too.  
  
The realization makes his insides shake in certain anticipation, as the warm runs from his chest towards his cheeks and ears.  
  
Baekhyun suddenly feels so, so weak.  
  
Nervous and slightly disconcerted, he goes straight to open the door before he can do something he may regret.  
  
“Come on Park.”  
  
The choice of words may not be the right one, as he recalls he had say it a thousand times before. Instead of thickening the line, it draws Baekhyun closer to the edge.  
  
But he will dismiss it again, heading out and walking without waiting for Chanyeol.  
  
“Baek, wait,” Chanyeol whines trailing behind him.  
  
The world is against Baekhyun today, apparently. Nonetheless, when Chanyeol catches up next to him, he looks calm and composed as if nothing has happened.  
  
This newfound emotion crawling inside him is a bit harder to ignore, as it proves to be as relentless and stubborn as himself.  
  
As Chanyeol keeps talking, laughing or joking, the magnitude of it increases. However, it’s not heavy or obnoxious, instead it transforms and settles as a nice, swell and welcoming feeling.  
  
Soon enough, he is the one joking and laughing with no worries behind him whatsoever.  
  
Baekhyun saw it coming, but he still burst in laughter when Toben escapes from Chanyeol’s hold as soon as they get to the park. It’s hilarious until Chanyeol trips and falls in the grass.  
  
It isn’t sure if he tripped because of a rock or his own feet, but as the guffaw dies slowly, a sudden rush of worry arises. Wiping the small remaining tears of laughter, Baekhyun goes towards Chanyeol who is sitting in the floor, kneading his knees with one hand and patting Toben’s head with the other.  
  
“Are you alright?” Baekhyun asks caressing the back of his neck tenderly.  
  
“I’m not sure, maybe you will have to piggy back me back home.”  
  
He smiles radiantly proud with a foolish smile that Baekhyun can’t stop himself from mirroring.  
  
It’s another thing that Baekhyun can’t help liking about him.  
  
But he doesn’t mind anymore, after all, he has lost the count of the things he likes about him already.  
  
_Oh_.  
  
Chanyeol is now in one of his most favorable positions, where Baekhyun can observe everything in him and realize that he is actually kind of attractive.  
  
He has done it before ―scrutinizing him from head to toe― in order to bring back memories. But this time, he cannot focus on one sole physical trait that doesn’t look charming.  
  
Chanyeol has a tall figure which is not exactly fit but slightly rough, especially by the arms and tights. If Baekhyun has to name one of the best parts of it, it would be his waist ―slim in contrast of his shoulders. His waist must have soft skin, similar to his wrists, or how the skin around his collarbones must feel as well.  
  
But Baekhyun’s ultimate favorite must be his lovable face, with big expressive and beaming eyes that fit so well with that lovely smile of his ―in which a small dimple forms on his left cheek.  
  
_Alright_ , Chanyeol _is_ attractive.  
  
And not just physically, but as a person too.  
  
There is no easy way to fathom over the consciousness of it. So Baekhyun will run away, just this time.  
  
“I will bring you something, wait here.”  
  
More than self-conscious, Baekhyun walks towards the nearest store where he can buy anything that could calm his nerves, besides getting something for the other as he already promised impulsively.  
  
Perhaps he could also buy water to wash away the heat in his cheeks, which he hopes went unnoticed by Chanyeol.  
  
His own emotions can be deceiving. The same nervous feeling which had him running away, is now trying to draw him back. Thus, after perhaps fifteen minutes of pretending he is deeply interested in the prizes at an ice cream stand, he decides he can’t hide there forever.  
  
He asks for two simple strawberry ice creams with spoons and, without further fight, looks for Chanyeol.  
  
But Chanyeol is not alone, a lady is sitting next to him on the park bench, petting Toben and looking at him with dreamy eyes. He is too nice, to the point where he won’t brush her away out of politeness.  
  
Baekhyun never had to worry about anyone else liking Chanyeol, more like he never really thought about it.  
  
Chanyeol won’t put a finger on the woman or on anyone else that isn’t Baekhyun, not in the same way or with the same amount of feelings. But the thought of him being with someone else discomforts him incredibly.  
  
“I found the ice cream,” Baekhyun blurts without thinking, shoving the cup between them, “ _babe._ ”  
  
The last part comes extremely forced and embarrassing, but the lady smiles shyly and leaves.  
  
When Baekhyun faces Chanyeol, who is grinning and looking like having the time of his life, his shame increases. Unbelievable he just got jealous in the silliest way over him.  
  
“Alright, _babe_.”  
  
Baekhyun then realizes, he had never used that word before and never will do again.  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
The kind of drive to close the gap Baekhyun is expecting for, arrives in one afternoon, between those tedious meetings Yixing seems to love so much.  
  
When he flees to his office searching for silence and peace, he finds Chanyeol snooping on his file cabinets as any other time he would visit Baekhyun at work. Lately, both are buried in work but still make enough time to eat or take the subway to go home together. The last one was Chanyeol’s idea, even if he has to travel further to go to Baekhyun’s workplace.  
  
But today it’s too late for both to have a meal and too soon for them to go home.  
  
“Did the clinic closed early?” Baekhyun asks peeking over a side to look at what Chanyeol has in his hands. It’s one of Baekhyun’s firsts and favorite portfolios, he recalls giving one copy to Chanyeol as a present.  
  
“No.” Chanyeol closes the cabinet and turns to him with a shy but sleepy smile. “I was tired so I asked Yifan to cover me, but I wanted to see you.”  
  
“Chanyeol, you should have gone home,” Baekhyun says placing his hand over Chanyeol’s cheek. When he is drowsy, his cheeks tend to heat up lukewarmly and Baekhyun likes the feeling. Chanyeol closes his eyes and leans to the touch. “It’s only five pm and I still have two more meetings.”  
  
“I don’t care,” Chanyeol yawns. “I can sleep here in your office until then.”  
  
Baekhyun bites his lips trying to restrain himself from doing something naive.  
  
But Chanyeol looks really tired and Baekhyun can’t leave him like that. Those meetings are not as important anyway.  
  
Without much thinking, he leaves a note for Yixing on his desk, turns off his phone and sneaks both out of the building, towards the subway.  
  
It’s a crowded afternoon and they are traveling while standing, holding themselves on the subway straps. Baekhyun adjusts his earbuds, one for him and one for Chanyeol, before increasing the volume of his phone for the music to play higher than the rumbling noise of the subway.  
  
Chanyeol looks really tired today, with his eyes closed and leaning over his arm to have some kind of support. Baekhyun is right at his side, guarding him in case he loses his grip.  
  
Despite his drowsy state, he does his best to give Baekhyun enough space. Furthermore, even when people get into the subway forcing him to get closer, he would find a way to take a step back.  
  
Baekhyun caresses his waist softly and snuggles closer to him. Chanyeol opens his sleepy eyes and gives him a small smile.  
  
Baekhyun doesn’t even remember why he is restraining himself.  
  
Between the crowd and the noise, Baekhyun doesn’t have space to think much about it. He merely focus on the familiarity Chanyeol radiates in contrast with the bustle.  
  
He has been staring long enough to make Chanyeol notice. “What? Do I have something in my face?” he asks naive of Baekhyun’s intentions.  
  
Baekhyun wants him, so bad.  
  
Thus, he presses their lips together in a sweet peck.  
  
It lasts a second due Baekhyun’s nervousness, but he is aware of everything he is giving in between.  
  
Chanyeol stays immobile and a bit flustered. In the matter of seconds, his eyes glint with something unsure between sweetness, want and confusion as he bites his lips, plump and soft.  
  
Baekhyun purses his in a thin line, but he wants more.  
  
He goes for another, this time a slower and more eager one.  
  
Chanyeol’s lips are more than welcoming and move nicely matching Baekhyun’s pace.  
  
There is a pleasant feeling Baekhyun doesn’t want to let go ever, in which he can feel Chanyeol smiling over his lips.  
  
They arrive home between kisses and stay in the hall, their belonging on the floor and Chanyeol’s back on the wall. Chanyeol holds him by the torso and presses sweet pecks here and there, from his mouth to his cheeks, nose and his forehead.  
  
Baekhyun feels incredibly loved and wanted from the way Chanyeol holds him closer but careful.  
  
As for him, he has his hands on his waist, caressing it with his thumbs as he tugs the sides of his shirt. He is eager to press lightly when Chanyeol starts kissing his neck.  
  
It tickles and sends goosebumps everywhere they reach.  
  
This kind of yearning and eagerness are something new in Chanyeol that Baekhyun had never perceived. It’s almost comparable to Baekhyun’s own longing.  
  
Chanyeol kisses him ghostly on the neck spot behind his earlobe making him shudder.  
  
Chanyeol must know where to kiss and how to hold him, meanwhile he can only do his best to follow the pace.  
  
“Weren’t you sleepy?” Baekhyun asks almost chuckling for all the tickles around his body.  
  
“Yes I am,” Chanyeol replies but still gives him another peck in the lips. “I’m about to fall asleep right here, over you.”  
  
“Sounds lovely, but I don’t think so.” Baekhyun pats his stomach and tries to move away, but Chanyeol doesn’t let him go. “Come on, I promise I will wake you up for dinner.”  
  
Chanyeol throws his head back chuckling and whispers. “Ah, I love you so, _so_ much, Baek.”  
  
Whatever Baekhyun was about to say, dies in an instant. Instead of feeling pressured, he feels deeply overwhelmed and stunned ―with warmth running his body and the feeling that, whatever happens next, everything will be fine.  
  
Due the commotion and nervousness inside him, he smiles shyly, burying his face in the crook of Chanyeol’s neck.  
  
Baekhyun is falling.  
  
Not as if the feeling is suddenly back with all his nuisances and memories, but he is falling right now ―in the moment in which loving hands are caressing his back soothingly while keeping him close.  
  
He falls over the way long eyelashes kiss prominent cheeks and a radiant smile extends from ear to ear. But mostly, over eyes that ablaze with emotion and tenderness.  
  
It’s almost as if every detail and trait was never gone in the first place. Honestly, from the flaws to the virtues, _how could one not love him?_  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Baekhyun can’t move.  
  
_Right_ , Chanyeol must be what is holding him down.  
  
When he opens his eyes, he finds himself entangled with Chanyeol once again. No wonder why they bought a bed so big, considering both aren’t the stillest ―nor quietest― sleepers.  
  
Baekhyun yawns and stretches his arms while sitting.  
  
He believes there is something he remembered last night, but he is not that sure about it. Lately memories are coming up more frequent, but Baekhyun has learned to keep on without some. They will arrive someday, but there is no rush for now.  
  
Although it would be great if he could remember where did he even left Kyungsoo’s hoodie. He is always asking for it and promising he will make Baekhyun pay for it, or something of the sort.  
  
_Thinking about Kyungsoo…_  
  
“Fuck!” Baekhyun yells when he realizes it’s already ten in the morning. They are supposed to pick up Kyungsoo and Jongin from the airport at eleven. “Yeol, get up!”  
  
Chanyeol only pouts when Baekhyun starts to shake his shoulder in order to wake him up. Instead of complying, he tries to hug Baekhyun back to bed. Usually, he would be the one hugging Chanyeol back, succeeding in staying at least one more hour.  
  
But today, he shrieks constantly while trying to break the embrace. It seems that screaming and kicking won’t do much, so he bites Chanyeol’s arm until he let’s go. “Come on, we have to go for Kyungsoo and it’s late already.”  
  
Chanyeol merely groans and rolls on the bed until he lies on his stomach with his face buried in pillows.  
  
“Kyungsoo is _so_ kicking our asses,” Baekhyun mutters as he opens their closet to search for his clothes ―hoodies, jeans and vans will do. He takes out their outfits, throwing Chanyeol’s towards him. “Get ready.”  
  
It doesn’t take long for Chanyeol to get up after that, but he is still awfully slow. When Baekhyun is ready, he has his hoodie on, but he is still in boxers and socks.  
  
“Can you, I don’t know, _move faster_?”  
  
Chanyeol passes a hand through his messy hair while yawning. “Don’t worry Baek, we will get on time. Besides, flights arrive late all the time.”  
  
“I doubt that.”  
  
Chanyeol stands up to stretch himself while groaning with his gritty voice. In other circumstances, Baekhyun would think it’s attractive.  
  
And Chanyeol knows it, for the way he smiles still drowsy but playful. “You are nervous. That’s cute.”  
  
“Nervous?” Baekhyun has to admit he does feel jittery, but it’s because he is running late once again. “Why would I be?”  
  
Chanyeol shrugs. “You get nervous every time you will meet someone again.”  
  
“If this is because I stuttered when meeting Yixing, remember he looked intimidating at first.”  
  
“Yixing, intimidating?” Chanyeol chuckles. “You like Kyungsoo a lot and you haven’t seen him for too long, I would be nervous too.”  
  
“I’m not nervous,” Baekhyun says but Chanyeol keeps grinning at him. He even tries to reach for the back of his neck, but Baekhyun bashes his arm away. “Go away.”  
  
“ _Baekhyunnie_ ,” he says mischievously earning a coy smile from Baekhyun. Chanyeol knows he can’t be taken serious when using that tone and nickname.  
  
Baekhyun is not having it, thus he tries to step back, giving Chanyeol small and playful hits at his sides. Nonetheless, Chanyeol keeps smirking and following him. When he finally gets to hold Baekhyun’s arms, he brings him closer to circle an arm over his shoulders and hold his neck carefully. He gives him light kisses there, which widden Baekhyun’s smile.  
  
“It’s alright if you are nervous,” he whispers, blowing hot air over his ear, making him shudder.  
  
“Enough!” Baekhyun breaks the embrace placing defensive hands over both of his ears. “We are going to arrive even later like this.”  
  
He will ignore Chanyeol’s laughter filling the room while he checks his messages, just in case Kyungsoo and Jongin had arrived sooner. It’s not the case and Baekhyun feels alleviated.  
  
“Hey,” Chanyeol stands next to him, already dressed with his hair slightly combed. Before Baekhyun can say something, he places a small object on his hand.  
  
It’s a black ring with a silver band.  
  
Baekhyun recognizes it as the pair of their matching rings, the one he had on the train and had already forgotten about its existence.  
  
“I saved both all this time,” Chanyeol says shyly. “I thought it was time to give yours back.”  
  
Honestly, a ring isn’t necessary to tie them. It won’t change how Baekhyun feels for Chanyeol already, but he will keep it.  
  
“You can use it if you want,” Chanyeol blurts. “Um… I will be downstairs feeding Toben.”  
  
With that, he goes out of the room, leaving Baekhyun in total silence to look at the ring. He really hopes the actual original proposal was way better than this one. Although, he believes he recalls Kyungsoo saying he was the one that wanted to be with Chanyeol in the first place.  
  
The ring is light and neat, Baekhyun wouldn’t mind wearing it.  
  
But then it snaps again.  
  
It feels like waking up from a surreal dream, in which every step was new, fresh and without trace of past ones. Yet, the past comes in different emotions rushings his mind, with vivid memories and thoughts.  
  
He remembers now, why he felt so stressed in the first place.  
  
He was there, in a train station in Japan, waiting for his train while playing with the ring between his fingers. In that time, when the ring meant even more, he would remember so much by merely looking at it ―some good days, some bad ones, but specially Chanyeol’s attitude in the last days they had spent together in Seoul.  
  
For him, Chanyeol had been extremely obnoxious, overprotective, petty and ridiculously bitter at the fact that Baekhyun wanted to travel more than being at home.  
  
And that had made Baekhyun incredibly angry, because he was living a dream that Chanyeol seemed to despise.  
  
Baekhyun now understands he wasn’t in a goody two-shoes position either. He had dismissed Chanyeol’s emotions many times, putting them in the second place as soon as the disagreements started to arise.  
  
However on that day, when he was about to return, he ignored his own faults. A bittersweet feeling runs through his body, because even then, he loved Chanyeol and he would probably do for way more years.  
  
But Baekhyun was so tired and unable to see how they could fix it.  
  
“I cannot do this anymore,” he whispered to himself irritated and reached for his phone. But even if they weren’t in the best terms with each other, he couldn’t do this to him like this. He drowned the feeling and promised himself that, as soon as he saw Chanyeol, he would end everything for once.  
  
It didn’t matter if he doubted, he was going to leave Chanyeol.  
  
The incredible guilt, hesitance and more emotions that seemed to come from nowhere have found their root.  
  
Although the revelation is striking, when he gets downstairs and finds Chanyeol waiting for him at the door, he couldn’t care less.  
  
Because both have changed so much through these past months and now he doesn’t want to lose the grip on Chanyeol.  
  
Maybe there are more things to work on, but everything will be alright when there is enough care. Chanyeol feels like it and there is no reason for Baekhyun to not believe it too.  
  
He can ignore that memory, because for Chanyeol, he doesn't feel anything else than love.  
  
“And you said I was the one taking long?” Chanyeol clicks his tongue, shaking his head with his arms crossed. “If we arrive late because of you, I’m gonna have to tell Kyungsoo.”  
  
He must think that Baekhyun is somehow annoyed by his comment, because as soon as Baekhyun gets closer, he backs up smiling. Baekhyun gets a grip on the back of his neck and pulls him down while Chanyeol mutters apologies.  
  
“I love you,” Baekhyun says low but clear enough to shut Chanyeol up.  
  
Familiar reddened cheeks and ears with fast blinking eyes isn’t the response Baekhyun was waiting for, but he will take it. Chanyeol stays like that, quiet and mute, for a while before smiling widely.  
  
He hugs Baekhyun by the waist and places his cheek over his shoulder.  
  
“I think I’m going to die,” Chanyeol says tenderly. “I love you so much. ”  
  
⋆⋆⋆  
  
Baekhyun hates to admit it, but Chanyeol was somehow right when he guessed he was feeling nervous.  
  
To soothe himself, he holds Chanyeol’s hand and plays with the ring on it ―the one that matches his own. Like that, Baekhyun can _almost_ let the fact they are in that restaurant with no meat whatsoever again pass. _Almost_.  
  
Nervousness starts to vanish as soon as Baekhyun realizes Kyungsoo is exactly as he remembered, but smaller. Kyungsoo doesn’t like to hear that, though.  
  
Although it’s more playful than painful, Baekhyun still yelps when Kyungsoo pinches his ear from the other side of the table. Chanyeol laughs at that, but soon enough, he is pushing Kyungsoo’s hand away and placing an overprotective hand over his ear.  
  
On his part, Baekhyun complains about the ache more than it actually hurts.  
  
“I think you did hurt him, Soo,” Jongin comments, looking apologetic. Baekhyun almost feels sorry about it.  
  
“I think he is bleeding,” Chanyeol comments back, but Kyungsoo merely rolls his eyes.  
  
“Jongin, when you spend enough time with them, you will understand how petty they can be.”  
  
Baekhyun grins at him expectant, but Kyungsoo doesn’t smile back even after a while. “Kyungsoo was way nicer through Skype, though.”  
  
“I _am_ nice… but I don’t have to be when you already remember enough.”  
  
“Who are you again?” Baekhyun mutters and Chanyeol bursts in laughter, snuggling on his shoulder.  
  
It’s not even a place where they have been together before, but the atmosphere feels extremely familiar. For a moment, when he laughs at Kyungsoo’s crabby expression and then finds Chanyeol patting his back due the laughter, it feels like they were _them_ from about 8 years ago. This time, soft and smiling Jongin is there, but he blends good to the mixture.  
  
“You were supposed to forget how to be obnoxious,” Kyungsoo mutters before finally starting to eat his salad, which has pickles. Baekhyun cringes at that. “Can you stop with that for once?”  
  
“Depends.”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles slightly. “You look good, though.” He has that inquiring and curious look as if he wasn’t nosing around the whole situation. “As if nothing has happened at all. I thought I would still find you a bit gloomy.”  
  
“I am good,” Baekhyun says, realizing he doesn’t need fancy words to express it. It hasn’t been the most pleasant experience, but looking now at how the things have developed, he realizes it wasn’t that bad overall.  
  
And his memory, incomplete and in constant recovering as it is, isn’t an obstacle anymore.  
  
Not between him and what he loves to do. Not between him and his routine. Not even between him and Chanyeol, who has recovered his grip onto Baekhyun’s hand once again.  
  
“We are good.”  
  
  
  
  



End file.
